Tough Time

I'm having a really tough time. It was this time, last year, that Daddy really began to decline.  I actually had a good day, today, but Sunday was horrible.  It was Palm Sunday, so our choir sang at both services, but I only sang in the first service.  During the sermon, which was about "'Atonement - why did Jesus die on a cross, what does this say about God, and what does this mean for us?"  As our minister spoke about Jesus' suffering, my mind was flooded with memories of my father.  See, this time, last year, dad's health began to spiral downward.  Easter was the last holiday we spent with him, and hearing our minister talk about suffering brought back too much hurt.  My Dad suffered so much (and I'm getting teary eyed typing this) and I couldn't stop thinking about it. 

I tried to push the memories out, because tears were threatening to spill, but the more I pushed, the more emotion took over.  Halfway through the sermon (which was really good), I lost it.  I have never cried while in the chancel, and I tried to keep my tears to myself, but those of you who have seen me through the last year know that I can't exactly pull off the "quiet crying"...

I was so embarrassed!  The little hiccups that tend to go along with my tears started much sooner than I had hoped.  The lady sitting next to me had a tissue and gave it to me, which I tried to use inconspicuously, but it's not easy when you're wearing a robe that involves a while top that makes you look like a big-winged bird!  I managed to get through the second song we had to sing (the Anthem was sung before the sermon), but it wasn't without difficulty.

After the service, I made a beeline for the robing room.  I did NOT want people to see me.  The choir director and associate director were directly behind me.  Adam (the director) asked me if I was ok, and when I turned around, he had his answer (I was beyond bawling at this point).  Charlotte (the assiciate director) wrapped her arms around me and let me cry into her shoulder for a minute.  I was able to compose myself enough to talk to her about why I was so upset, but she already knew.  She even cried a little bit with me.

I disrobed, put my music folder and Hymnal on the floor of my robe cabinet, got my purse and jacket, and began to go up to the atrium of our church to call Travis.  I remembered, though, that he was gonna be coming down to the choir area to bring food to me (I'm in Choir 1, and we were supposed to bring food for a brunch in between the two services).  I had given him directions on how to get downstairs by taking the elevator.  As I walked to the stairs, I heared the elevator move, so I stopped and waited to see if it was Trav.  As soon as the doors opened, I saw that curly hair and ran into his arms.  I just cried and cried.  I took the food to the little buffet that was set up, and some more choir members saw my red eyes and gave me hugs.  I just couldn't talk, though, so a lot of them don't even know why I was so upset.

Travis and I took a walk around the outside of the church.  We sat down outside of the basement and T let me recompose myself before I called my mom to tell her I wasn't going to be singing the second service, I just couldn't do it.  I was able to calm down enough to go to Sunday School, which was nice because it was the third time I have been able to stay the whole time!

When I got home, mom was waiting with a big hug and we cried together for a few minutes, while I told her about what happened.  She told me these things would happen, but that we both know Daddy wouldn't want us to be sad all the time, which is oh-so-true!

Our choir has to sing for the Good Friday service, which I'm nervous about again... I will have Dad's hanky in my folder, just in case.  I'm also nervous about the Easter services.  I'm not as scared about it as I am Good Friday, because the Easter service is a celebration of Jesus making his ascent into heaven, but as I stated earlier, Easter was the last holiday we spent with Daddy... and one month, later he was gone.

I'm very lucky to have a huge and amazing support system, especially in my church.  The choir members are wonderful!  As I said, I'm very lucky.

Ok, I've said all I can say without full on crying, so I'm going to stop now.  I will let everyone know how I handle the services...

Kicking Mozart's BOO-TAY!

So, on Monday I went to see our choir director to get a bit of extra help with some of the music pieces I was having difficulty with.  It was the first time in 8 years that I had done a one-on-one rehearsal, and I was definately nervous!  Adam was awesome, though, and made me feel comfortable.  We dove into the music, mainly the Mozart pieces that our choir is performing April 25th, and it took a few tries (plus having Adam count out the beat), but I managed to improve a good deal.  He was impressed that I asked him for help so far in advance, but the way I was looking at it, I am still re-learning how to read music, and I don't want to hold the soprano section back.  I want to be good at this, and anything I can do is worth it.  I became more comfortable as we went along, and he could tell when I knew a part of the music because of how loud I would get.  Whenever I felt nervous about a part, Adam eased my anxiety by saying, "Jessica, everybody here loves you, so don't feel bashful. Sing it out!"  As I was leaving, he told me I have a "booming voice" and I shouldn't be so worried.  I was very flattered and happy when I left.

Fast forward to this evening.  I went to choir rehearsal, ready to tackle Mozart, and I kicked his butt!  We went over a part of the music that no one else had practiced yet, and I hit almost every note and knew each beat!  I only messed up in one place, but knew what happened, and was able to correct it right away.  I still plan on meeting with Adam again, to go over some more areas that I feel need a bit more work, but by the end of rehearsal, this evening, I was on cloud 9!  I KICKED MOZART'S BOO-TAY!!!!!  :)  :)  :)

Fun Morning!

This morning, Travis and I met up with a friend of his, who is a photographer.  We spent about an hour and a half taking pictures.  This lady is fabulous! (I hope she doesn't mind me calling her a "lady!")  She took beautiful pictures and made us look good :)  It was a lot of fun, too!  Trav and I got to just be goofy, which is usually the norm ;)

Here is one of the pictures, it's one of my faves (so far):



The photographer has put a few more pictures up on her website.  They're password protected and if anyone is interested in seeing them, feel free to contact me on Facebook or via comment on blogger and I'll let you see :)


Spring is in full swing here (like the rhyming goin on?) and I'm so happy!  Travis and I were a bit nervous about how I would handle the spring season, because Daddy died in springtime last year, but we are both glad that I'm treating this year's season like I always do: extreme happiness and hope.  Spring, for me, is like the new year.  As soon as I see blossoms on trees, my attitude becomes very positive and I feel like I can do anything!

I'm a little anxious about Easter, though, because that was the last holiday we spent with my Dad.  I've also noticed that I'm putting off taking a trip to the beach house... I haven't been in about 10 months.  I went down a few weeks after Dad's death, with mom, and when she left one morning, I lost it.  I couldn't sleep that night because I was by myself and couldn't make the images of Daddy dying go away.  I was supposed to stay for a few days, but came home the very next afternoon because of how upset I had gotten.

I'm hoping that, when I do finally go back, I can take a friend or two with me, for company.  I still don't like being by myself for too long.  I discovered that last Friday when mom went to the beach and Travis was out of town (I think I made another post about it - with the thunderstorm).

All in all, I'm doing well.  I still have moments, when I'm trying to fall asleep, that Daddy and/or Willie invade my mind.  I'll see the last few moments of their lives flashing in my head, but I can conquer those by turning on a vaccum cleaner (mentally) and suck the images right out of my mind!  (Travis taught me that trick).

One more thing...  Trav and I are coming up on THREE YEARS together!  This is, officially, the longest relationship I have ever been in, and I am so happy I have him!  I really think God sent him into my life, two years before Daddy died, because He knew I was about to face some terrible things and that I would need someone to help me through them.  It's strange how death of loved ones can make a person think about circumstances leading up to the deaths.  I'm still amazed that Travis has stuck by me through THREE deaths in my household!  Three deaths within nine months of each other!  It's crazy!  Travis is my rock.  He is the one person I can turn to for anything.  I can talk to him, act a fool with him, cry to him, and he just lets me.  He can make me laugh when I don't even want to smile!  One look from him, and my legs turn into jelly.  I just love him so much!  (and the photographer was able to tell that while we had our pictures made today!)

Ok, that's all for now :)

Feelin like BLAH!

I have been hit with a cold of some kind!  I felt fine yesterday, then woke up this morning with a stuffy nose and slight cough.  I just feel icky!  Seriously, "icky" is the only word to describe it!  I hope I feel better soon... I have to babysit Monday and Tuesday afternoons, I need to be in decent health for that!!!!!  Bah!


On a happy note, we had the first thunderstorm of the spring season Friday night!  I had been feeling a little blue for part of the day (Mom had gone to the beach, Travis was out of town for work, and I got to missing Daddy and Willie), and the funny thing is that as soon as lightning flashed in the sky, my mood went from "almost crying" to "overly ecstatic"!  I'm so weird......

Travis is done with the ACC championship, so he's gonna be home for a little bit.  He's so sweet to me.  I love him like mad!!!!!

Nothing else exciting going on... so I'll just say goodbye :)

Been a while!

I know I haven't posted anything in a couple of weeks, but that's because I have either been too busy or too tired....... or lazy....

Choir is going well.  I'm having a little bit of trouble with a Mozart piece we will be singing in April, but I plan on working with our director to get the beat right.  I am feeling much MUCH better about my skills in reading sheet music.  It feels good to be getting back into the rhythm of things (pun intended).

Travis and I are continuing to take on major roles in our new Sunday School class.  I will be helping plan lessons for future classes, while Travis helps plan service projects for us to be a part of.  We love the class.  The people are amazing, and I'm so happy to have a new "home".  I was even able to stay for the whole time two weeks in a row!  Feb 21 was the Day of Service, and I also sang at the 8:30 service, so I skipped the 11:00 service, which let me take part in the discussion in the second half of Sunday School.  Feb 28 was Youth Sunday, so we didn't sing at either service.  I did attend the 11:00 service, which went well until the Youth Choir sang the "Choral Benediction", which was the song that Daddy always cried during.  That song was also sung at Daddy's funeral, because of the significance of it (I still can't believe how many people came into town JUST to sing at Dad's service!).  Mom cried during the song, and I just stood there and held her hand.

I got to have a girls night, last Monday.  Courtney and Emmers came over, and we went to get dinner and brought it home, so we could also dine with my Mom.  Court and I got into a long discussion about my uber-positive attitude and overwhelming happiness that I have achieved.  I told her that this happiness didn't come about until I got myself back into the church scene.  Court told me that she could look at me and see a difference in my face.  She told me the reason I've gotten to this point is because of God, which I agree.

I know I've mentioned this before, and I will probably say it again, in the future, but I'm going to talk about it now, as well.  I love church.  I love Sunday School.  I LOVE singing.  So, why do I feel so detached from God while I'm actually at my church?  Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, and I believe that He has helped me get through very difficult times.  I believe that He sent Travis into my life, nearly 3 years ago, because He knew I was on the edge of facing events that would impact me forever.  I pray.  I don't pray as often as I should, but I do pray.

My issue about church is that it doesn't feel personal.  We begin our services by confessing our sin before God and one another... which is done by READING a prayer on the pamplet we receive before the service.  That, to me, doesn't feel personal.  Mom told me, once, that I have to make that prayer personal... but how do I, when I can't connect with the words I'm saying out loud?  I say the Lord's Prayer, and I know what the words mean, but when I say it with 400 other people, it seems rehearsed, and again, not personal.  I have learned The Apostle's Creed, and I think that is the only thing I truely connect with in a service.  Reaffirming my faith is the only actual part of a church service that I connect with.

This past Sunday, the sermon was about the reasons we have communion.  The Minister told us of two dimensions involved in the meal of bread and wine (or in our case, grape juice!) - horizontal and vertical (the shape of the cross).  The vertical dimension is our relationship with God.  He made me feel really good when he told us that we are the only ones who understand our own PERSONAL connection with God.  No one else can experience what I experience.  No one else can force me to have any relationship with God, except me.  He made my heart smile with that simple explanation!  The horizontal dimension is our relationship with those around us.  We connect with God on Sunday mornings by coming to His house with our family (i.e., the Congregation) and celebrating our love for Him.  We come to the table for Communion, break bread and drink wine (grape juice), as a family comes together each night for dinner.

So I have my own relationship with God (vertical dimension) and share my connection to God by coming together with my church family to celebrate on Sunday morning (horizontal dimension).  It was amazing how such simple words can have such a big impact on me.  When I had Communion, this past Sunday, it meant more, to me, than it ever has before.  I turned a corner, and even though I still struggle to make the entire service personal, I now have an understanding of why I go to this Holy place each Sunday with people that I have known for years, as well as people I have only just met - we want to share in our love of God.



Work is going well!  I had my first school picture day last week.  It was hectic!  One class would finish their individual shots as another class came in... I had to get 9 classes ready for their pictures... I would say the average number of children per class was 25.  So, around 225 students.  I made sure they had their order forms and got them posed while also adjusting their hair and clothing... it was interesting, but fun!  I work again tomorrow and Wednesday.  It isn't fun getting up so early in the morning, but it actually doesn't bother me like I thought it would!  I love it!

I am still babysitting a lot, which is also fun.  I babysit for a lot of families that attend my church.  It's so nice to go to church and see a good bit of munchkins running at me for hugs!  I just love it!

I have been fighting with myself, for a while, over wanting to be a mom.  I thought that if I took on more work in child care, that the desire to be a mother would diminish some... but no, it's only making it worse!  I know how difficult it would be, I know I wouldn't get much sleep, and I know it's a huge responsibility... but I want the madness!  I want the cribs, diaper rash, crying, EVERYTHING!  I'm able to keep my desire at bay, and I know that I am NOT in a position to be a mother (Travis and I aren't even engaged yet!), but the desire is acting as another form of motivation.  I know I need to get a better job with benefits so I can help support a family (Travis doesn't think he'd be able to find a job with benefits anytime soon, and a job in childcare will be a huge help for me and him).

Travis and I do still joke about our "hypothetical" children.  We've even had a couple of "discussions" about sports I want my kids to take part in!  I told Trav that I want to let my children try as many sports as they want until they find something they enjoy.  I want to listen to my kids.  If my son or daughter is good at soccer, but doesn't enjoy playing it, I'm not going to make him or her continue playing soccer.  I brought up summer swim team, and Travis shook his head so hard, I thought it was going to revolve all the way around!  Then we had a "discussion" about it.....  who knows what will happen in the future, though.  I'm going to cross those bridges when they come!

I need to get ready for bed... gotta be up early!  I'll try to be better about posting, but no promises :-P