We have a date!

We have a date for our wedding!  Mom, Travis, and I will be touring a possible reception spot tomorrow morning, and once we book a place, I'll announce it on here :)

WE'RE GETTING CLOSE!!!!!!!!

Booking Places

Booking a site for our reception is a tad difficult!  I wanted to have the wedding and reception on one date, but the Country Club can't do it until another date (only two weeks after my original date).  My church and the country club are available that day, so all I have to do is get my minister's sign off that he can marry us on the date, then book the church and country club, and the hard part will be OVER!

I just booked a photographer (the same lovely lady who did the pro-shots of me and Trav last spring).  She will do our engagement pictures, as well as wedding day shots.  I'm beyond excited!!!

I met with our wedding planner (aka: my future sister-in-law) on Saturday, and we discussed finding reception sites.  We also talked about a color scheme and flowers.  I was flat out exhausted on Saturday, though, so I wasn't much help.

Last week was the first full week of work and school.  I got up at around 7:30am everyday, and just kept going going going!  I ended up skipping church because I NEEDED to sleep in.  I'm going to try some new techniques to help me go to bed earlier so I can be a bit more rested each day.

I currently have the adorable 2 year old beside me, which makes me smile.  She is just a big ray of sunshine!  It's hard to believe she will be 3 in a couple of months!!!

Ok, I lost my train of thought... I'll just say, "bye" for now...!!!

Procrastination

This is me procrastinating.  I have to finish an assignment for class tonight, but I can't stop thinking about my wedding!  Travis and I are thisclose to having a date set!  I booked the church, yesterday, for our preferred date, but now we have to reserve a rehearsal dinner place and reception location.  Once those two are set, we will announce our wedding date!

I sat down with Trav and my Mama, last night, to discuss wedding things, and we ended up talking for over an hour!  I have "homework" to do before I meet up with my future sister-in-law, who will be our wedding planner.  I have some ideas of how I want the wedding to be, so I'm making lists of ideas!

I began walking again, yesterday.  I put Little Man in his stroller and walked for about 30 minutes.  When I got back, I did sit-ups while holding him up so it gave the illusion of him flying, which made him giggle.  I also lifted him up over my head, which gave my arms a good "bench press"-type workout!  I'm embarrassed to admit that I am quite sore today!

It looks like Travis may be getting a job!  I don't want to go into details, but let's just say that I am so happy for him!  It also means we are READY to begin our lives together as a duel-income family.  We have talked about staying with my mom for a couple of months while we save money to buy our own place.  I certainly don't want to stay with my mom for long, but I'm just happy to know we have somewhere to begin!

I feel so lucky to have an amazing fiance (I LOVE saying that!) and supportive mom.  My life has never been better!  I do miss Daddy, but I know he's smiling on me and will be on the other side of me when I walk down the isle with my uncle.

Guests

I guess my blog is going to serve as a place for me to document planning my wedding (though I won't go into details).

Travis and I made a rough list of guests we want to invite to our wedding.  It totaled at almost 100 people (far less than either one of us anticipated!), I went through my facebook friends list to make sure I didn't forget anyone, and tonight we'll go through his friends list so he can make sure he invites who he wants and doesn't leave anyone out.

We're actually getting close to setting a date, I'm checking with the church and my minister to see if a couple of potential dates are available.  I guess I just want to get this going!  I've been with Travis for almost four years, and it is definitely time to be his wife.

I'll update more as this goes along!

Aviation Museum!

This morning I took T and J to the Aviation Museum!  The kids loved it!!!  Well, T loved it... I don't think J knew what was going on, haha.  I even got T to run around with me and "fly away" (which consists of putting our arms out like wings and circling around saying, "fly away" over and over), which was so cute! Have I mentioned how much I adore the kids I Nanny for???  Yeah, they're the best!

Little Man (J) got baptised yesterday!  It was at the 8:30 service, and I was right there, sitting in the pew behind Catherine (T and J's mom), Chris (T and J's dad) and Cath's sister + her two sons.  I was so proud when our minister blessed J.  Travis said that I looked like a proud Aunt, haha!  I was just so happy!  Now, I hadn't seen the kids in over a week, because the family had been out of town, so after the service, I went to the nursery to see all of the munchkins.  T was at a water fountain down the hall from where I was, but as I walked closer I did my "one-finger-wave" (where I put up my pointer and wave) T came running down the hall and jumped into my arms!  I was a fantastic feeling!

It's like I tell my friends, this isn't work to me, not even a job... being a nanny is the most rewarding "job" anyone can have!  I get to watch, each day, as these two wonderful kids grow and develop!  Little Man is finally crawling, too!!!  He's getting into everything, and I can't turn my back on him at all!  I used to be able to go in the kitchen and get some water without worry, but even that can be dangerous, because I need to keep eyes on him!  He crawls slowly, for now, but I know that won't last too long, especially as he learns how to coordinate his arms and legs!


Travis and I went to lunch with our Sunday School class after church, yesterday, and they just couldn't believe that we're getting married!  One of the guys just looked at Trav, scrunched up his face and said, "you're really getting MARRIED?!"  Travis just nodded, looked at me, and said, "yep!"  As we walked from the car to the restaurant before hand, Travis noted that I have been lifting my head up more and walking with "lighter steps".  I told him it was because I'm so happy, and will probably be this way for the next few months.

Y'all, I am beyond happy.  I am going to be marrying my best friend, my confidant, my partner in crime, my everything!  We have something special.  Something indescribable.  It's a love I have never experienced in my life!  I will become Mrs. Jessica Phifer... omg I love the sound of that...  (I promise I won't be calling myself by his name again until we are actually married, I just had to get it out once!!!)  It does sound good, doesn't it?!?!?!

Wedding

I'd heard that planning a wedding was difficult, but man... We've only been engaged 4 days, and I'm already feeling the strain and pressure of wedding planning!  I'm not taking it too seriously, just tossing ideas now and then, and most of them sound good in my head, but horrible when spoken!  There are only a couple of things I am completely certain: the location of the wedding and who will perform the ceremony.

For now, I'm going to make lists, jot down ideas, and wait til we can actually plan the wedding.  We have a ring, but it's just the diamond and a setting.  We plan on going to jewelry stores on Friday to find the best price for setting and sizing, so I can finally put it on my finger.  That is what I want more than anything right now.

The next "Future Mrs. Phifer"

This morning, Travis made me breakfast in bed.  When he brought it up to me, he held his hand out and it held a beautiful diamond (not a ring).  He said to me, "I don't have a ring yet, but will you marry me?" My heart leapt and all I could do was nod because my jaw was on the floor.  So it's official!  TRAVIS AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a good girl!

For one of my classes, this semester, I have to get a fingerprint card, criminal background check, and a couple of other school-related items in order to participate in an internship-type assignment.  Today was filled with going to the Sheriff's office and Clerk of Courts for fingerprints and my background check.  It took all of 20 minutes for both!  I found out that, as I suspected, I'M A GOOD GIRL! hahaha... It's funny to me and Travis.  He just cracked jokes while we were out (he went with me bc I was a bit nervous going on my own).

The day began wonderfully, when my eyes popped open bc of the smell of pancakes!  I went downstairs and saw Travis cooking breakfast for me and my Mama!  It was very good and made me feel amazing.  I don't know what I did to deserve him, but he sure makes me happy :)

A friend of the family is coming to put tile down in our basement tomorrow.  It will be so nice to be able to sit down there and watch TV/play video games again.  I know Travis is ok staying in the guest bedroom, but he had his own space, before the basement flooded... twice... and it was just nice to have alone time in the evenings.  Right now it is just like the stereotypical basement, not the warm, relaxing space it was a few months ago...  *sigh*

Only a few more days until J is Baptised! I found out, today, that J had his first haircut, first swim, and first time in a swing!  The family is in Florida (luckies!), so I haven't worked all week :(  I miss the kids like crazy!!!  I'll get to see them (as well as the rest of the mom's family) on Sunday!  I do babysit for her sister's kids, who are also wonderful, and am even forming a friendship with the sister :)  I really do feel wonderful about my life right now.  I'm happy, and that is a great feeling!!!

New Laptop!

I can finally reveal that I will be able to blog more often because I just received my new MACBOOK!  It is my first big purchase made with my own money, that I earned!  (Sounds bad, I know, but it's the truth!)  I am so beyond excited!  I look forward to exploring and am happy to have a laptop again... since Travis took over my old one!  :)  So look for more blog entries!

Guilt

I thought I had moved past Dad's death, and maybe I have in every way but one.  Almost every time I am alone with Travis - watching TV or cuddling or laughing hysterically - I start to feel a huge amount of guilt.  I feel guilty that I am so damn happy with the man I will spend the rest of my life with, and mom is without Dad. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, so as I was typing this, Mom came downstairs and we started talking about Dad and I told her about my guilty feeling, and she reminded me that she had 40 years with Daddy.  She told me she feels so good when she sees how happy Travis and I are, and that I shouldn't feel so guilty about that happiness.  I feel better, but I know the feeling will still linger in the back of my mind... I just want mom to be ok... My heart is broken for her, but I know she will be ok, it will just take more time.

New Year, New Post!

Well, Happy New Year to everyone!  (If anyone even still reads this) I finally have a moment to just sit down with the laptop, which is a nice change.  I'm expecting something in the mail that will allow me to begin blogging more often!

My Christmas was pretty good.  We spent time with Trav's family, which is always entertaining.  His mom, his mom's bf, his younger brother, and sister-in-law went to the Christmas Eve service at my church and had dinner with us.  I felt like my life had come full circle when I entered the sanctuary that night.  It had been one year since my return to singing in church services.  I had Dad's necklace on, so part of him was near my heart.  I didn't get misty or anything, just felt a huge sense of love, which is always a great feeling.

Christmas day (Trav's birthday), we opened gifts, then went to visit my Aunt Glenda at the nursing home.  I love Glenda!  She is always so happy!  For those who don't know, she is my Dad's sister and is mentally retarded.  She is the most amazing person I know!  So resilient and loving... nothing seems to bring down her spirit.  Even when Dad died, she kept a smile on her face and told me everything would be alright... I never realized it until this very moment, but she is one of my heroes...  Anyway, after she opened her gifts and giggled at Travis as he made her pop wheelies in her wheelchair, we headed back to the house to get ready to travel to Chester to see Trav's cousins. It began to rain/sleet while we were there, and snow was falling when we got home later that night.

It was great to wake up to snow on the ground the next day!  Travis and I built two snowmen and then had an epic snowball fight!  It was AWESOME!  We crouched down around his truck to try and sneak up on each other, but we ran into each other instead... it was funny... we couldn't stop laughing!  By the time we came back in the house, we both had snow in places it shouldn't have been... but we were having too much fun to even care!

New Year's Eve was spent at our beach house.  Travis and I were in the living room when the ball dropped and then we dashed into mom's room to give her kisses after midnight.  (I gave her kisses, Travis just jumped on the bed and kisses Sasha).  It was nice to be able to go to the beach, since my schedule has gotten to where free time is a special occasion haha.

"Work" is going well!  J is just over 6 months now, and that boy is getting mobile!  OMG it's getting very interesting in that house... he doesn't crawl, but he'll get on all fours and rock... he tries to crawl, but I think he's decided that rolling around works just as well.  He's so beyond cute!  I just love that little man so much!  His sister, T, is on the better side of 2 years... she'll be 3 in early April.  She is a ray of sunshine!  I love taking her places, she's just so good!  We love to read books and do puzzles, we also painted a bird house to put up in the spring!  I love planning activities she can do that enriches her mind and provides entertainment, as well.  Y'all, she is just so smart!  I just love these kids so much!!!!!  I don't like calling my job "work" bc it isn't work... it's way too much fun to be work!

One of my New Year's resolutions is to walk more often, preferably four times a week.  I am able to get three days worth done while T is at preschool by taking J for a walk.  We go around the neighborhood and have also begun having play dates with another girl from my Sunday School class.  She Nannies for a 7 month old boy and lives near a park, so J and I will go over there and walk around the pond with my friend and the little one she sits for!  It's nice... and J seems to enjoy it!

I am taking more classes this semester, which is where my free time gets limited.  Because I work Monday-Thursday, my only real options for class time was Friday and Saturday... so I now have class Friday and Saturday mornings, as well as Wednesday night.  It can be a pain, and after only one week, I'm feeling the weight of sleepiness on me, but it will be just fine in the end!  :)

I did find out something AMAZING on Friday morning!  I had never gotten a chance to see what my final exam grade was for Child Guidance, so when I saw my old teacher, I asked her what is was... get this, you guys... 101!!!!!!!! I GOT A 101 ON MY CHILD GUIDANCE FINAL!  It was comprehensive, too!!!  I NAILED that class!  YEAH BABY!

I almost forgot!  On December 21, aka: my family's birthday, Mom, Trav, and I went to a service at my church.  It was called "Service of the Longest Night."  It was to give comfort to those who have lost loved ones in the past.  I lit candles for Daddy and Nonnie, and Travis lit a candle for his Father.  Mom was teary throughout the service, and Travis even got misty after he lit the candle for his dad.  I was really surprised that I didn't cry until the end of the service.  I think I felt I had to be strong for mom, but I don't know if that was it, entirely.  I think I have gotten to a place where I have accepted that my Dad is no longer here, in his physical form.  He's in my heart, and I miss him dearly, but I don't feel the ache anymore.

Well, that's all I have for now.  I'm hoping that next week, I will be able to get back to blogging more often, I'm just waiting for my package to come :)

Time

Time tends to fly by without warning.  It seems like only yesterday we said goodbye to my Daddy and my world was turned around... but now... I'm the happiest I've ever been!  I know I said this a couple of posts ago, which shows that my happiness hasn't gone anywhere!  :)  I mentioned that I had begun a Nanny job, and let me tell you that it is THE GREATEST JOB ON EARTH!... well, it's the greatest job to me.  The kids are amazing and I am having so much fun watching them grow and develop.  It feels so wonderful to know that I am helping them develop in a positive way.  As a recap, the little boy is almost 5 months old (will be 5 mos on December 3rd) and the girl is 2 and a half.  They are the most wonderful children!  I love Mondays because I get to be with the little girl all day, since she goes to my church's weekday school Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursdays.  I love taking her and her brother to different places to explore new things, seeing the look on their faces when they discover new things makes me feel amazing :)  Little man has grown so much since I started working with the family... he could barely hold himself up when I first began, and now he's lifting himself up off the floor and smiling and rolling from his back to his stomach.  He's very close to being able to sit up on his own, and has recently begun eating rice cereal!  It's not an  easy task, but he's starting to get the hang of it :)

The semester is almost over, and I'm very proud of myself for getting through it by myself!  I can't tell you how good it feels to be taking charge of myself and my life.  I know what I want to do with my life, and I think that's the source of my overwhelming happiness!

Travis and I are doing very well.  We are taking on the world as a team, and his support in my desire to be a Child Psychologist is giving me all I need to persue it :)  I am so happy to have him and we look forward to a life of love, happiness, and children.  We aren't married yet, but it will happen when we're ready.

Mom is recovering nicely from her knee replacement.  It's been nearly 3 months (as of December 9th), and she does have moments of discouragement because the pain hasn't gone away as quickly as it did when she had her other knee replaced.  My theory is that her first replacement was done in the spring, and this one happened in late summer/early fall.  You know the thing about cold weather effecting joints, and I think that's what's happening here.  I hate to see mom in pain, but she is still pushing through and I am so beyond proud of her!

That's about it for now... so... BYE!

:)

Beautiful Song

My choir is singing an amazing song on Sunday that I identify with so much! It's called "how Can I keep from singing". It brings me to tears when we sing it, and I had to share the lyrics...

My life flows on in endless song
Above earth's lamentation.
I hear the real though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
It sounds an echo in my soul,
How can I keep from singing?

What though the tempest round me roars,
I know the truth, it liveth,
What though the darkness round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes, the cloud grows thin;
I see the blue above it;
And day by day this pathway smooths,
Since first I learned to love it.
The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,
A fountain ever springing;
All things are mine since truth I've found,
How can I keep from singing? 


---------------------

When my daddy died, I was lost. I was sad, devastated, torn up, hopeless, and... Well, you get the picture. I was destroyed, unable to even think of life without my dad. Then Nonnie died, and mom went to a lady in my church choir to get a recording of her singing The Lord's Prayer to play at nonnie's funeral... The lady then got me back in choir, and music enveloped my life and heart again. My life began to change. I got happier, my positive outlook began to emerge, and the clouds over me began to thin... I can see the blue skies, and my path has never been smoother. I took a horrible occurrence (more than one) and made myself a better person... My life is an endless song, how can I keep from singing? I'll tell you... I will never stop singing... I can't keep from singing.

Figured it out!

I am trying to type this entry on my iPad, something I have avoided bc I don't like using it to type things with. The keyboard is too annoying! As soon as Travis releases my laptop, I'll make a longer post.

Anyway, the point of this post is to tell y'all that I have finally figured out what my ultimate goal is, as far as a career is concerned. Child Psychology. I want to be a child psychologist. It's going to take time, but I think I can do it, and so does everyone else. It has been suggested on more than one occasion, and lately I have really been listening. I mean, child guidance is my favorite class, this semester. I'm learning new ways to help children solve problems and to guide them through times of difficulty. I would love to be able to help children who may have troubles that their parents or teachers can't figure out. It won't be easy, and as I said, it will take a good bit of time, but I want to work toward my masters and eventually my doctorate. Who knows, I could actually become DR. JESSICA! How weird does THAT sound??? It's in the relm of possibility!

I began my Nanny job on Monday, and I had so much fun! It's humbling to know that the parents of these two amazing children trust me to take care of them during the day. There is a 2 and a half year old girl and a 3 month old boy. I was so impressed by how well the little girl, T, could speak! She's talking at a 3 year old or 4 year old level! No two or three word phrases, this girl is saying full sentences!!! It's spectacular!

As always, my main focus was making sure T felt special and got attention, which can be challenging because the baby, J, needs a great deal of attention right now, but I got T involved by having her hold J's bottle when I fed him and opening a diaper for me when it was time to change him. Their mother, C, works from home, and she walked through to the kitchen while I was having T hold J's bottle, and C smiled about it. She told me she was impressed with how I got the little girl involved, so she could get some attention. It made me feel so good!

What also made me feel good was that the mother made me feel like I was the best nanny in the world, haha. I don't know if that's true, but I felt flattered that she was so excited to have me as her nanny :) it's a fun and rewarding job, even with J spitting up on me throughout the day, it's an occupational hazard that I gladly take. I can't wait to be a mom, but until that day, I'm happy to be a nanny. Plus, I can use the money I make to help get me through school... I really want to be a child psychologist, and I think I finally have the drive I need to do it!

Happy Again!

I just felt the need to post an update, since it's been a good, long while!

Today is Daddy's birthday.  He would have been 63!  Mom and I took some flowers to put by his niche at church, this afternoon.  Mom had tears in her eyes, so I put my arm around her and we both kissed his plaque before we left.  I do miss my dad so so much.  I still can't believe he's gone, but I have to be honest here... I can say, with the utmost confidence, that I am the happiest I have EVER been!  I have finally gotten a Nanny job!!!!!  Get this, it was confirmed and secured TODAY... ON DADDY'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!  Mom and I couldn't stop laughing about the symbolism there!

I'm back in school.  I have been given an amazing opportunity to further my education and understanding of child development, and I'm doing my best to succeed!  I am in the computer system as majoring in Early Childhood Development with a specialization in Infants, Toddlers, and Two Year Olds!  I'M ON RECORD AS HAVING MY SPECIALIZATION IN AN AREA I AM MOST PASSIONATE ABOUT!!!  I spent most of the summer networking.  I made friends with parents of infants and toddlers, plus I am getting to know my church's weekday school director, which will hopefully help me in getting a job there down the line :)  She has given me the green light to conduct observations for my classes at the weekday school, which is great!  I told her I would have difficulty just observing the infants and not getting on the floor to play with them, and she told me I was more than welcome to play with them once my observing is finished... I AM SO TAKING HER UP ON THAT!!!!!  I am babysitting a good deal, and one of my observation subjects (I hate referring to her as that!) is a child I sit for on a semi-regular basis.

So here's what my main observation is about: in one of my child development classes, we have to observe a child, age 4 and under.  We fill out a developmental checklist at the beginning of the semester to see where the child is developmentally (duh, developmental checklist!).  Then, we observe the same child at the end of the semester to see how much the child has developed over the course of about 3-ish months.  I observed a 10 month old who is not yet walking.  I'm looking forward to seeing how far along she progresses!  Her mom is excited to see the changes, as well :)

As for Nannying, I will be working with a family who goes to my church.  The mom (C) has a two year old girl and a 2 month old boy (by the time I start, he will be 3 months).  I am so excited, and C is too, appearantly... her sister (L), who I also babysit for, called me today, all excited that I would be the one taking care of her niece and nephew!  L has told me, in the past, that she always feels very confident when I'm the one caring for her children.  I can't tell you all how much it means to me, knowing that parents trust me.  I do everything I can to gain their trust, as well as the childrens' trust.  It's fun when I pull up to L's house and her two older boys run out to my car with a pice of paper that says, "WELCOM JESSICA!" and three stick figures (representing the two boys and their little sister).  I have a shoebox full of pictures or other trinkets given to me by children I babysit for.  I do have a pretty decent collection of silly bandz... oh yeah, I know what the kids are into these days haha.

I babysat for a family I usually sit for after school on Mondays, this past Monday (duh).  Their mom was called into work and I was ready to help out!  The kids didn't know I would be the one getting them off the bus, and I was concerned how they might react, but my worries were shattered when the youngest girl (age 6) stepped off the bus, threw her bookbag on the ground, and ran into my arms while yelling, "JESSICAAAAA!!!!!!!!!"  The little boy (age 8) even ran over to me, yelling my name, and gave me a light hug (you know, boys have to keep some form of coolness, even in the third grade haha).  It certainly made me smile!

If you haven't guessed by now, I'm beyond happy!  I have never been this happy in my whole life!  I am still with my love, Travis.  We are going strong and he is still my rock.  When I was getting stressed over a quiz I had to take last night, he kissed me on my forehead and told me I would do just fine, and sure enough, I aced it!

Mom is having a second knee replacement a week from tomorrow.  She had her right knee replaced just over three years ago, and now her left knee is giving her a lot of trouble.  I'm slightly concerned bc she doesn't have Daddy or Nonnie to worry about, and I'm hoping she can still be motivated to recover... but then again, this is a woman who was getting herself out of bed and to the bathroom 4 days after her last replacement!  Eh, I think she'll be alright ;)   We have many amazing people rallying around us.  Trav's mom has offered to come and stay with us the weekend after mom's surgery, and mom's close friend vollunteered (sp) to spend the night with mom the night after her surgery.  It feels so good to have support.  I'm going to be stressed as it is, and the extra help will be more than appreciated!



This next section is aimed at one person.  She and I do not know each other well, bc she's in Alabama and I'm in NC, but this person recently lost someone very dear to her, and I wanted to help, if I can.

R, I know you lost someone you cared about greatly.  I want you to know that it will get better.  It won't happen tomorrow or the day after, but I can promise you that the day will come when you can think about your loved one and smile at the memories.  When I lost my Dad, I didn't think I would make it through.  I went through the motions, numb to the world around me.  It seems you may be in that same slump.  I can't say I understand exactly how you feel, I lost a father and you lost a very special family member, who was also your best friend.  Creating a web page for you loved one was a great idea!  I wish I had thought to do that for my Dad.  The next year is going to suck.  You will be faced with "firsts" - first Christmas without your loved one, first New Year, etc... You should lean on your family for love and support.  Hold those you love close and cherish each moment with them (especially your loved one's children).  You don't have to be strong for anyone, take the time to grieve, and know you will come out of this a better person.  I know we don't talk, but I want you to know that I'm here if you need to talk.  You and your family are in my prayers.  I know the pain of having a loved one pass away, but I also know that the strength of one's family and friends will see you through.



With that said, I am going to get back to work on some school stuff.  I may begin updating more, but I'm not going to set that in stone.  Until next time... KEEP SMILING!!!!!

Depression

I mentioned a while back that I was trying to come up with a good lesson to teach my Sunday School class, and then I decided to teach one called, "Where is God in all of this?"  Well, a couple of weeks ago, the night before I was scheduled to teach (I ended up not teaching, since someone else shared his experiences during a recent mission trip to Haiti), I changed it.  I borrowed a book from my church that has lessons called Faith Matters: For Young Adults.  In it was a lesson titled, "How Can a Christian Cope With Depression?" by Larry F. Beman.  As someone who has battled (and overcome) depression for 10 years, it really spoke to me.  As I read through it, I began to view the darkness of depression in a new light (pun intended), I also saw myself in almost every line......  You all know how I managed to take my father's death and flip it into something positive, and that is part of the lesson.  The author of the book describes this kind of depression as a "heaviness of the soul" or "carrying a huge weight within".  He goes on to talk about the basis of this kind of depression, that it stems from anger.  (I'm skipping a lot of the points he makes, in order to get to the point of this post). 

Beman discusses a couple of ways to deal with the anger one feels with this depression, and the first way is to find a creative outlet.  View the depression "as a time for creative possibility.  Depression can become a moment for a new creation to emerge."  He says that if we can ask, and answer, the question, "What in me is waiting to be born?" we can give birth to a new life within us.

Think about it.  In the past, a couple of the greatest creations came from depression.  According to Beman, "In the Creation story God is seen brooding over the face of the deep.  Out of this brooding comes a new world.  During the Renaissance, depression was viewed as part of the wisdom that cam with aging.  It was a time when insight ripened and bore fruit."


The last few days, I have felt this form of depression.  I haven't been my normal, happy, bubbly self.  I know the reason, and it will take time for me to resolve the issue I am facing, but the sadness I feel has driven me to tackle this lesson.  It holds a totally new meaning for me and as I work on it, I can actually feel a weight lifting off of me.  It's so weird, but amazing!  It has also shown me that I need to confront the issue that has me feeling down, and not keep it bottled up, which is definately NOT a good idea!  I'm learning so much about myself in my quest to teach my classmates how to overcome depression...  I am excited to teach them!  I was debating with myself over whether or not I should tell them about this revelation (that in battling a recent depressive spell, I discovered creativity in planning my lesson, which has lifted a weight on my soul), but I probably won't.

I know I said I wouldn't blog as much anymore, but I just really wanted to share this, and get thoughts out.  If you want anymore information on this particular subject (i.e., the lesson I'm teaching), feel free to leave a comment (I read them before I allow them to be posted) with your e-mail address, and I will send you a copy of my lesson...  I want to share hope with others, to let them know that you can get through the darkest of times, and come out of it a better, happier person.

Abscence!

I haven't been around much, lately.  I've been in and out of town, and haven't had much time to devote to blogging.  I don't know when I'll get back to it, like before, but I'm going to focus on finding a job and getting other affairs in order.

Travis and I are going strong.  We have had multiple discussions about marriage, but I doubt it will happen before 2011.  He has a few things he needs to get straight before I am legally attached to him.  I'm going to try and help as much as possible, bc I want to have his name, dammit!  haha

Mom's other knee is giving her trouble.  She has an appt with her doctor tomorrow, so we'll find out if she needs surgery soon, or not.  Keep her in your thoughts.

I have been writing in a regular journal, bc some of my thoughts and feelings are too personal to post here.  I'm sure I'll make updates now and then, but for the time being, I'm going to be putting this blog on the back burner.