Thoughts

I posted this on a message board I'm a member of, but decided I wanted to post it here, as a blog.


I made a thread about grief counselling and how I wanted to know I wasn't alone in my pain, and I got a few good responses, and this was my post in response to everyone else's


I am feeling better each day. I miss my dad like crazy, but I can get through the flashbacks without crying now (I get hit with images of Dad in his last few minutes at the most random times), I even made it through Tuesday night's GC session without crying!

This is gonna sound silly, but when I watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy, it was like that show was made just for me. It was all about grief and how different people handle it. It actually showed each character over the span of about 40 days and how they handled the person's death, individually (I'm not naming names in case someone here hasn't seen the premiere and wants to... no actual spoilers!). It really felt like that episode was just screaming my name!

In the session, Tuesday, we talked about motivaton... how each of us feel about going on with our lives, and there were a few "I just don't feel passionate about my job anymore" or something along that line, but for me, I feel MORE motivated. Just before we took the BiPAP off Daddy, I told him I was going to finish college - the one thing he wants me to do more than anything else - and ever since then, I have become so passionate about childcare. I WANT to get my degree, I WANT to go things to help my mom around the house... it's like Daddy died, and suddenly my brain has clicked into high gear...

I hate it that it took him passing for me to "grow up", but without him in the house, and mom re-learning how to do bills (Daddy always did them), as well as settling the estates of dad AND Nonnie, I feel like I have to step up. I know I have Travis here to help, but I can't rely on him for everything, and I know that I had been.

Wow, I wrote way more than I meant to... I'm done for now haha

A New Quit!

I've begun my second attempt at quitting smoking! As of midnight, I'm quit. I recognize what my smoking triggers were, and it all comes down to myself. I am my own worst enemy. I just have to take deep breaths and figure out how to keep my anger under control. I Just feel angry a lot about little things. Travis is helping me, but as I said, it comes down to me.

So here I go. Today is my new quitdate. Wish me luck!

Been a while!

I know I haven't updated in some time... there just hasn't been anything post-worthy happening.

Here's an overview, which turned into a decent sized post!

I got Nonnie's ashes from the funeral home a couple of days ago. She's sitting on the mantle beside Daddy's picture until we take her out to Arkansas for her burial over Thanksgiving.

A few month's before Dad died, Nonnie told me she wanted me to have her engagement ring that mom's dad gave her. I was honored, and still am, but never thought much about it until last week. Mom brought the ring to me and said that she remembered Nonnie wanting me to have it. I'm not one to wear rings on any finger other than my ring finger, but I have Nonnie's ring on my pinky (it's way too small for my ring finger). It makes me sad, but happy at the same time.

Mom also told me that I'm getting Nonnie's bedroom suit, which has a budoire (sp)... the desk with the mirror that you can sit at and do make-up/pick out jewelry... I've always wanted one and now I do. Again, it makes me sad, but happy.

Grief counselling is going well. I threw in Nonnie at our last meeting, and I feel bad bc I talk a lot to begin with, but with two deceased family members, I have twice as much to say. There have been two meetings, and I haven't made it through without crying.

You know how my last post was about getting my new phone? Well, I got really upset over it that night. See, Daddy's phone had his voice on it... you know, his voicemail greeting, so every now and then, when I needed to feel his presence, I would call and listen to it... the point of mom going to Verizon that day was to take Dad's and Nonnie's names off the list... now it's just me and my mom, though she also got one for my uncle, as a birthday gift for him. So after my old phone got shut off and I got my new phone (and here I'm about to cry again), I called Dad's number to see if she had done what I thought she had done... sure enough, no Dad's voicemail (and now I'm crying)... I know we have home movies that were narrated (idiotically, I might add) by Dad, but that voicemail message was a fast way to hear my Dad's voice... now it's gone.

Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled beyond anything to have a blackberry, but dammit, what I wouldn't give to have heard that VM message one more time before it was shut off... I just wish I'd had some notice... I'm gonna stop typing about him, bc I'm crying like mad right now...




Tomorrow is Trav's cousin's baby shower. Travis won't be able to make it bc he's working, but mom is gonna go, and she's gonna get to meet his whole family! I'm so excited! I love his family, and his mom has been amazing to us! She's so sweet and has been just so supportive. I love her like crazy!!!


Ok, I'm gonna get ready for bed and begin to unwind, so that's it for now!

MOM DUPED ME!

She got me a blackberry curve! IT'S PINK!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I HAVE A BLACKBERRY CURVE! OHHHH SNAP! No wonder my phone wasn't working!

Lost

I'm so lost right now! My phone isn't working :( I guess mom forgot to pay a bill or something, but after about 1:00pm EST, I couldn't send or get texts nor make calls! My cell phone is just a random device for now *sniff sniff* I'M LOST WITHOUT MY PHONE! hahaha

I'm hoping things get to the "if worst comes to worst" scenario bc Travis said that if "worst comes to worst" he'd add a line onto his Sprint account for me... Which would give Jessica a new phone *insert giant grin here* So here's hoping lol


No, but really, I need a cell phone.... SOON!

I'm so Lucky

The group session went well. I'm very tired after talking about Dad and Nonnie and listening to others... I did cry some, which is what wore me out... the group leader said it was normal to feel tired after a session, and not to feel bad about it... So I don't haha

I'm very lucky, though... I'm lucky to have my friends who are there for me through everything. I swear, Courtney and Emmers are always lookin out for me and call to check on me and it feels so good to know someone cares :) I hope you both know how much I love ya'll and appreciate EVERYTHING you have done and continue to do for me and my mom. You make my days so much brighter and I'm forever greatful :) *hugs*

Time to clean the kitchen... then I'm gonna go to bed early tonight, that's for sure!

Grief Counselling

I begin my grief counselling(sp) tonight. I was originally going because of my Dad, but now Nonnie is gone, as well, so I'm gonna throw her in the mix. I'm still more upset about Daddy, and I feel bad about that, but it's different losing your father than your grandmother.

Oh, Nonnie's obituary ran today, here is the link:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/charlotte/obituary.aspx?n=dixie-lee-quinn-wildy-caya&pid=132731614

My cousin wrote it for us, and we are very appreciative of it (hugs to Sue!).

I don't really have much more to say, but I wish we would bury Nonnie sooner than later. I know she's being cremated, so there isn't a set time limit, but it just doesn't feel right to not lay her to rest asap. I felt that waiting 6 days after dad died to bury him was a long time, but there are talks of waiting til NOVEMBER to bury her! I DON'T WANT TO BURY MY GRANDMOTHER IN MY BIRTH MONTH! That may sound selfish, but it wouldn't feel right.

ugh... mom is too concerned about everyone's schedules... and I understand that, but this is her MOTHER, my Grandmother! WHY CAN'T WE JUST LET HER REST??? I'm getting upset now, so I'm gonna stop typing before I say something I regret.

Stuff we did today

This morning, I decided I wanted to go out for breakfast with my sweetie, so Travis and I went to a local resturaunt(sp) and then to the nursing home to get Nonnie's things. Some of the orderlies asked me how she was, and were saddened to hear she had passed. While Trav got a dolley to help roll out the bigass TV in her room, I went in and began to get her clothes together. It was a bit harder than I thought it would be. As soon as I opened the closet, I started crying. I got over it quickly, though, and we finished packing.

I went to see Glenda (my Dad's sister, who is also in the nursing home where Nonnie was) and told her about Nonnie's death. She was very unhappy about it, but she hugged me and told me it would be ok and that she would be there if I needed her. It's amazing how strong she is. For those who don't know, Glenda (74 years old) is mentally retarded, but like my Daddy, everyone who knows her LOVES her! She is going to outlive everyone because of how happy she is. Even when her brother (Dad) died, she stayed strong and even offered advice to me... I am always amazed at her insight!


People have been bringing food, again, and our fridge is overflowing, again, but it's nice to not have to cook. When Dad died, we were flooded with people, food, and love... which is a wonderful feeling, knowing how many people love us.

Travis continues to give me strength. I don't know what I would do without him and his constant love. He's amazing and I love him "to the edge of the 'verse and back".

She's Gone

At 8:53pm EST, my grandmother passed away. I was out at the Greek Festival with some girlfriends, Travis was out with my uncle, who flew in today, and mom was reading, sitting beside Nonnie. It was so peaceful, that mom didn't even know she had passed until a nurse came in and said something. Just after she died, mom called me to come to the hospital. I hadn't driven, so one of my friends dropped me off and I ran from one end of the hospital to where my grandmother was.

She died 4 months, 5 days, 10 hours, and 48 minutes after Daddy. I'm not as upset about this as I was when Dad died, but this still hurts.

Today, though, I felt compelled (sp) to visit my Dad's niche as I left the hospital, around 1:45pm EST... I talked to him and told him, "I know you just got away from her, but you know she doesn't have long. You brought her into our home when she had nothing left. You looked after her and took care of her, even though you didn't have to. Now, she's about to pass, and I am asking you to look after her again. Take care of her for us, and let her know that we love her."

You know what? I think he heard me.

My uncle flew into town today. (I mentioned this already) He was able to come and say his goodbyes to her. We think she heard him and knew he was here, and decided it was ok to die. Chuck (my uncle) thinks if he had waited to fly in tomorrow, she would have held on until then.

We are all at peace with her passing. She lived for 88 years, 8 months, 3 weeks, and 1 day. Her parents both died when she was 18, and she is finally with them, as well as her two older sisters. Her younger sister is still living, although she isn't in the best of health now. Nonnie served in the Navy and was a member of WAVES in WWII. She has done and seen so much in her life... I'm just glad we had her for so long.I know my Dad is watching over her now. I miss him so much, and I know I'll miss Nonnie just as much.

E-mail from my mom

This is an e-mail she sent out... see how she said the same thing about Daddy wanting her to stay here???


I am home for an hour...got to take a break....Mom is holding her on. We will know more tomorrow morning. They have put her on a morphine drip to keep her comfortable and have stopped taking vitals so often because it agitates her so much. I know Robert is giving her the strength to keep on because he wants to have a little longer break from the visions of Dixie. 20 years was a long time to have your mother-in-law with you.

I am much stronger now and am dealing with the tasks at hand. It is hard but I can do it. Chuck is coming and I am glad for his sake.

I will let you know how things are going tomorrow.

I am so lucky to have such great friends and family... thank you for the calls, emails, food and visits. They have all helped me grow stronger. That is what Mom would want me to be....incredibly strong , as she was.

Nonnie update

She's holding on. The Doctor told mom it will still be a couple of days before she passes.

Last night, Nonnie had two male nurses watching over her. One of them came in the room and had a good conversation with my mom about death and spirituality. He told her that he has seen this type of scene many times since he became a nurse, and that when he walks in a room, he can tell if God is present in the room or not. He said that as soon as he came in Nonnie's room, he immediately felt God. Nonnie keeps reaching out when her eyes are open, and the nurse thinks she may be reaching out to angels that have surrounded her bed. He said there is no real way to know what she is seeing or feeling, but that he felt a very strong presence of God.

Those of you who know my grandmother know she wasn't religious. It has only been in the last few weeks/months that she has begun to allow people to pray with her. It's as though she knew this was coming, and wanted to make peace with God first.


I have told my friends not to come see her at the hospital. She is very weak and the way she is looking/acting is unlike the Nonnie everyone knew and loved. To those who know my grandmother, I want you to remember her as the mean old woman in the basement who played nintendo all the time :) (our basement is actually an apartment-type floor).

Mom and I still think Daddy is trying to make a deal with God to keep Nonnie down her a bit longer... I mean, come on, he JUST got rid of her! He needs HIS alone time first! haha (If you don't know us, you may not find that funny, but it has me and my friends laughing)

I'm getting ready to pick up around the house some and head to the hospital. Chuck will be flying in this afternoon. He's struggling with this, and really wants to be with his mother and sister (and his favorite/only niece). I'm holding up ok, it's just going very slowly, which sucks. I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but the doc says she's going to die, so why can't we just rip the band-aid off quickly, instead of letting it drag out and hurt us more, do you get the metaphor?

*sigh* I hate this :(

I wanted to let ya'll know that Nonnie has gone into kidney failure. Docs have given her 24 to 48 hours. This sucks.

Nonnie is in the ICU. Hoping she'll be ok. I'm in Clemson, working the first game of the season with Travis. Keep Nonnie in your prayers. This year SUCKS!

grrr

I backslid yesterday. I've been so angry and frustrated and irritable lately! It boiled over and I had a cigarette. So I'm back to Day 1 of my quit. *quitting smoking, take 2!*

Maybe now I can figure out what triggered my urge to smoke and avoid it next time!

More pics

Wow... Trav's hand is lookin ROUGH! Here are some more pics (these are for you, Sue!)

This is from Saturday afternoon at 3:45pm EST:


Sunday at around 12:30pm EST (he had hydrogen peroxide on it, that's why the bubbles are there):


Sunday at 1:15pm EST:


Monday at 2:30pm EST (hydrogen peroxide, again):


Tuesday at 9:45pm EST:



Travis isn't feeling well either. He tried to go to work, yesterday (Aug 31), and he made it for a few hours. Luckily they finished whatever it was they were working on, so he was able to come home around 3-ish, but he went to sleep as soon as he got here, poor thing.

I feel so bad for my sweetie! I'm riding his butt to take his antibiotics properly. I have to set my alarm on my cell phone to help get him some food and his meds. And yes, he is very appreciative (sp) of me. I make him a sandwich, or something, before bed, so he'll have food when he wakes up to take his med... if you haven't guessed, he needs to have food in his stomach first.


I survived today! It was Daddy's birthday, but I managed to make it all day with no tears! YAY ME! Mom struggled, though. :( and it's not helping that Nonnie isn't even trying to get better. She's not doing a damn thing in the nursing home to help rehabilitate herself! Why she does this to herself, and us, is beyond me... UGH! SO FRUSTRATING!


My quit stats:

17 days, 11 hours, 23 minutes and 22 seconds smoke free.
262 cigarettes not smoked.
$63.75 and 2 days of your life saved.
Your quit date: 8/15/2009 11:20:00 AM


This is really hard, and I have moments when I REALLY want a smoke, but I've worked too hard to get to day 18, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let that go!

Today

Today is Daddy's birthday. He would have been 62. I miss him so much :(


Nothing like playing with a bunch of 2 and 3 years olds to make me giggle, though! Off to work, I go! :) heehee I LOVE MUNCHKINS!