High Demand!

I love my life and I love working with kids... and I LOVE being in high demand! I'm babysitting like crazy! What I love most, though, is that I'm gaining a reputation as a savior to those in need of last-minute sitters. I will get a call in the morning to sit that night, and I'm, 99% of the time, able to say YES. It's so fun!

I got a text last night to babysit tonight, and of course I said yes. Travis will be out of town, and I have nothing scheduled, so why not? It gives me money, which is nice to have these days!

I love kids and I love babysitting... this rules!

Not a Pig Yet!

I got my H1N1 Vax today! I feel so accomplished! I got my flu shot two weeks ago, and now I have my Swine Flu shot, as well! Mom had a Doc appt on Monday, and for some reason, a nurse was supposed to call me when a shipment of H1N1 vaccines came in for me to have my shot. I don't know what brought it on. Mom told me I'm in a high risk group, so I guess it's good I got it!

Good news for mom, though... because she has lost so much weight, she was able to go off some of her medications! She no longer has to take blood pressure pills, which is awesome, as well as a few other weight-related-issue meds. I'm so proud of her!!!

I'm feeling better, emotions wise. Not so sad anymore. I guess it was just a sad spell that came and went.

That's all for now! :)

Oh, I had to share this... it made me, Trav, and Mama laugh out loud (yeah, I wrote it out)!

Sad

Warning, my thoughts are very jumbled in this post. One sentence may not have much of anything to do with the next.

I don't know why, but I have just been so sad lately. The last few days have been hard. Minus Saturday's Renaissance Festival. I miss my Daddy. I miss him more than words can ever convey. I cried Yesterday and earlier today. I don't know why this has hit me so hard, but it has. I'm debating whether or not to do another grief counselling session... "Trust the Process"... The process of grief... One step forward, two steps back... A few good days, a few bad days... Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life??? I really really hope not. Damn... Dad really is gone... and he's not coming back... I miss him so damn much :(

Fun!

Travis and I went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday. We had so much fun too! We saw Zilch the Torysteller (he switched around the first letter of different words in sentences to create funnyass stuff!) He told the stories "Jomeo and Ruliet: The Tagic Trail of Two Horing Wouses" (it's "waring houses", but it sounded like "whoring"), "Rindercella and her Stoo Tugly Epsisters", and "Lodigocks and the Bee Threars". Yeah, we're dorks :) Travis kept talking that way after we saw the first Zilch show. It was quite amusing, to say the least.

We also watched the jousting match, which Travis hated. I scolded him for not going along with the show, even if they WERE bad actors! Who cares? It's a recreation of midieval jousting... just a demonstration of how knights fought each other for glory! It's not supposed to be perfect.

We even took a VERY romatic stroll through the dungeon of torture *sigh*. Nothing says, "Romance" like hanging by your thumbs (haha). As we exited the exhibit, there was a device used on women who nagged, talked, or questioned too much. It was a metal mask-looking thing that covered their mouth... Travis just stood there are looked at it, then looked at me, then looked back at it... I said, "Don't even think about it!" It was still amusing.

One show we saw had a children's song in it. It also required audience participation. I was getting into the song (Child Development Classes will do that to a person) while Travis did a half-ass job of it. I told him, "When you work with childre, your inhibitions go right out the window!"

All in all, it was a pretty good day :)

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I can't tell you how much I miss you. Your death came too soon and it just doesn't seem fair. You weren't afraid of death, and even as you lay dying, you never thought of yourself. I'm so very glad mom and I were able to say, "I love you" and I'm happy that you could squeeze my hand a few times before you finally let go.

I think about all you did for me, Mom, and Nonnie and my heart swells with pride. The love you gave will live forever.

It doesn't feel right, crawling in bed with Mom in the morning, because our family sandwich is incomplete. We have the bun (mom), the meat (me), and the pickle (Willie), but no BUTT! We need the butt! (and since you had a saggy bottom, you were perfect for the job!)

I miss singing random songs and changing words to match the situation. I miss driving to the beach, passing that street post for "Snoopy Drive", and getting into an "argument" over which one of us is a "Snoopy" head (stupid head). I miss our trucker talk (Sweet Kitten misses Mad Dog!). I miss your voice, your words of advice, and your unwaivering selflessness.

A piece of my heart is gone.

Look after Nonnie. I'm sorry she couldn't stay here longer, I know how happy you were to finally be free of her :-P She was hit really hard when you died. I know she's happy now.

I do have comfort knowing that you aren't suffering anymore (who on earth would want to live with a lung drainer like you had to?) I could see how much it hurt and it killed me that I couldn't take away some of your pain. I read a couple of days ago that God only takes the best.

I found the poem, and it applies to you 100%:

God saw you getting tired,
The cure was not to be
He wrapped you in His loving Arms,
And whispered "Come to Me"
You suffered much in silence,
Your spirit did not bend
You faced your pain with courage,
Until the very end
You tried so hard to stay with us
Your fight was not in vain
God took you to His loving Home
And freed you from your pain
A golden heart stopped beating,
Two working hands at rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
HE ONLY TAKES THE BEST


I love you Daddy. I will forever miss you.

Jessica

Bringin in the $$$

I ran into one of my old youth group counselors on, I think it was Thursday, and gave her my number if she ever needed a sitter. I then got a call yesterday (saturday) morning from a friend of hers who needed a sitter for that night after her original one cancelled... naturally, I said YES! I was adding that job to my early morning job I had today, as well as my regular job of sitting for kids at my church tonight. So, within the span of 36 hours, I have had 3 babysitting jobs (well, I'm gonna be leaving for my church in about an hour, THEN it will have been 3 jobs!)

Here's a fun thing, though... I sat for two sets of twin girls! One set was last night, along with their younger brother, and the other set was this morning, along with their slightly older sister. Both times, I was the vitcim of a "3-kid pile up"! Last night, I had the little boy in my lap, and each girl on either side of me... when I stood up, my arms had fallen asleep... it was awesome! Then this morning, I had one twin girl in my lap, another one up under my left arm, and their older sister leaning against my right arm. Once again, it was awesome!

I can't believe how much I adore little kids! It's so much fun watching them as they discover new things. Something I've learned from my child development classes is patience. I have learned to just let the child play and discover. If a child is holding a ball and drops it, I don't run over to pick it up and hand it back to them, I just wait for them to ask me for help if they need it.

I definately think I'm going to be a wonderful mom one day. I look forward to it more and more...


I got my flu shot Thursday. I was at Walgreens getting a Rx refill and a bunch of people began filling out forms. I asked what it was for and a lady told me they were giving flu shots. Other drug stores were running out, so I figured it was a good time to get one, besides, since I work in childcare, I need to have one. It was my very first flu shot, and it felt like a mosquito bite haha. That shot had NOTHING on my Guardasil shots... holy crap, those HURT! My arm was sore on Friday, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle :)



It's weird. Ever since Dad died, my motivation to do things has gone up. It's like I feel the need to learn how to make my own way. I want to make my own money and maybe even get to where I can function on my own (I sure did use the phrase, "my own" a lot there, didn't I?)

I'm just tired of relying on others. I want to learn to rely on myself.

Love and Grief

Mama left for the beach house today. She's gonna be there for Oyster Fest, which is going on this weekend, I think. It will be good for her to have some fun. I know a few of her friends are going down (but not E. That witch has no consideration for my mother.)

My final grief counselling session is Tuesday. I don't really know how I feel about it. I do know that I still have a way to go, but my journey has definately progressed. I will miss my group, but maybe we can all meet up for dinner sometime. I do know that the fourth Wednesday of each month is an "open group" lunch at a local Olive Garden, and since Travis won't touch that place with a 6 foot pole, I may as well take advantage of it... only problem is I work during the time the group meets, but I'm gonna find a way to work extra hours on Tuesday and Thursday so I can take part of Wednesday off to be with the people who understand my situation.

I still miss my Dad. Way way too much, but I'm lucky enough to have people surrounding me who care more than I could have ever hoped for.

Last week, during our session, we got to use clay to make a 3D representation of our grief. I did a big heart (pink, of course) to symbolize the love I have felt from everyone. I told my group that all I ever knew from my father was love. Love is a huge part of who I am. It is all I really have to offer the people in my life, and like I said, it's all I ever knew when my Daddy was alive. I do want to be clear that all I know, now, is love. My mom has so much love in her to give, and she gives it to me every single day.

Anyway, the second part of the clay activity was to alter the object of another group member to show what your hope is for that person in the future of his or her grief (did that make sense?). Last night, the guy who had to alter my object turned it into something that touched me so much, it almost made me cry happy tears! He said that there is nothing else to do to my heart, but to expand it. He said that I seemed to be the only one who has a longer way to go than the others, but that with the love that is surrounding me, I have the "easier" go of it. I don't exactly remember what else he said, but that was the jist of it. It just made me very happy to hear him acknowledge that I do have a bit of a journey ahead of me, but that I would get through it because of the love I have known from my deceased loved ones, as well as the loved ones that are still present in my life.

For our final meeting, each of us have to write a letter to our loved one. I do plan on posting the letter to my Daddy once it is written. I do feel bad that I'm not as distraught about Nonnie's death, but she lived her life, her death was natural, it was just her body getting old and giving out... Daddy's was premature. Plus, he's my DAD! He helped raise me... he acted like a nutcase with me! I do miss my grandmother, and I have my reminder of her that I see every single day when I look at my left pinky (the ring that she gave me only fits my pinky), but Daddy's death hurt me so bad. I just know I have more of a journey as far as he is concerned.

I am enjoying working at my church. I have a routine, sort of. I leave my house a little early and stop to say "hi" to my Dad's niche right before I go in. It's my way of staying connected to him, I guess.

That's all I really have to say for now. I didn't realize I had so much to say!

Mama's Birthday

Mom's birthday is coming up! It's October 21. I'm not gonna tell you how old she will be (but she's a month and a half younger than my dad, so if you know his age, you know mom's haha).

In trying to figure out what to get her, I decided on one of two things. Both of the items she really wants are way expensive, so Travis is chipping in with me for her bday gift. I'm going to get the other gift for her for Christmas. I'm not going to tell you what I'm getting for her birthday, in case she reads my blog. She's gonna flip out, though!!!

Daddy is probably blowing a gasket in his niche bc of how much her gift is, but mom has had the worst possible year ever, and she deserves to get something that makes her happy, dammit!!!

I went shopping today. I went to; Bed Bath and Beyond, Old Navy, and Target. I got that Egg Boiler machine thing. Mom was wanting it, and I had a coupon (I am my father's daughter), so I got it. I'm gonna give that to her for her birthday, as well (I'm telling about it on here bc mom already knows about it). I got a few pieces of clothing at Old Navy (I had a coupon), for myself, which was nice. I was going to buy a video game at Target bc it was on sale, but I got there and couldn't remember what game it was, haha, so no video game til mom finds our Target coupon (go figure).




Tomorrow (October 11) will mark one month since Nonnie died. It doesn't really feel like it's been that long, but it has. I do miss her.

Ok, that's all for now :)

I've been a bad blogger!

I haven't updated in a good while! I just haven't had anything interesting to post about, I guess.

All is well at the Pennington house. We're getting along just fine. Mom completed her grief counselling on Wednesday. She feels better, but said she didn't need it nearly as bad as I did. That said, my counselling is going very well. I love my group! There are six of us. We are already very close and laugh a lot, though we also have our moments of tears, which is expected. I enjoy it. I like seeing the same people every week who know my situation and can help me.

Travis and I are still doing amazing! He is a light in my world and I don't know what I would do without his constant love (and swift kick in the pants when needed) :) We've had some discussions about money, and I'm going to begin to help him with better money management (can you believe it? ME? HELP HIM WITH MONEY MANAGEMENT???) but if I have learned anything from my parents, it's that saving money is a GOOD IDEA! Daddy would get his bonuses and mom would want to spend it on home improvements, but Dad never let her. He would always put it back for the future, and it paid off BIG TIME! If I want to have a good life when I get older, I have to save money... and that goes for Travis as well!

It's crazy how much I love him. He comes home from work, and even though he's all dirty and stinky, one smile from him, and my heart leaps. Even when he looks his worst, he's still handsome. I still get nervous around him every now and then (and we've been together for 2 and a half years... you'd think I'd be used to him by now haha, but no, the butterflies are still there). He's my knight in shining beer cans... ok, well, not so much beer cans anymore bc he doesn't drink much anymore, so I guess my knight in shining armor :)


I am so lucky. I have amazing friends, an amazing family, and amazing Trav's family (they just rock my socks off... redneck at it's finest in some senses haha

Working at the church is fun. I'm beginning to get in thr groove of things. It's different than my internship. The kids are sweet, yet they can be a handful. I'm glad I have my coworker to help me. She's a sweet lady, my age, and very good with kids too :)

I think that's about it for now. I'll try to post more, but it's not easy when nothing interesting happens!

Thoughts

I posted this on a message board I'm a member of, but decided I wanted to post it here, as a blog.


I made a thread about grief counselling and how I wanted to know I wasn't alone in my pain, and I got a few good responses, and this was my post in response to everyone else's


I am feeling better each day. I miss my dad like crazy, but I can get through the flashbacks without crying now (I get hit with images of Dad in his last few minutes at the most random times), I even made it through Tuesday night's GC session without crying!

This is gonna sound silly, but when I watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy, it was like that show was made just for me. It was all about grief and how different people handle it. It actually showed each character over the span of about 40 days and how they handled the person's death, individually (I'm not naming names in case someone here hasn't seen the premiere and wants to... no actual spoilers!). It really felt like that episode was just screaming my name!

In the session, Tuesday, we talked about motivaton... how each of us feel about going on with our lives, and there were a few "I just don't feel passionate about my job anymore" or something along that line, but for me, I feel MORE motivated. Just before we took the BiPAP off Daddy, I told him I was going to finish college - the one thing he wants me to do more than anything else - and ever since then, I have become so passionate about childcare. I WANT to get my degree, I WANT to go things to help my mom around the house... it's like Daddy died, and suddenly my brain has clicked into high gear...

I hate it that it took him passing for me to "grow up", but without him in the house, and mom re-learning how to do bills (Daddy always did them), as well as settling the estates of dad AND Nonnie, I feel like I have to step up. I know I have Travis here to help, but I can't rely on him for everything, and I know that I had been.

Wow, I wrote way more than I meant to... I'm done for now haha

A New Quit!

I've begun my second attempt at quitting smoking! As of midnight, I'm quit. I recognize what my smoking triggers were, and it all comes down to myself. I am my own worst enemy. I just have to take deep breaths and figure out how to keep my anger under control. I Just feel angry a lot about little things. Travis is helping me, but as I said, it comes down to me.

So here I go. Today is my new quitdate. Wish me luck!

Been a while!

I know I haven't updated in some time... there just hasn't been anything post-worthy happening.

Here's an overview, which turned into a decent sized post!

I got Nonnie's ashes from the funeral home a couple of days ago. She's sitting on the mantle beside Daddy's picture until we take her out to Arkansas for her burial over Thanksgiving.

A few month's before Dad died, Nonnie told me she wanted me to have her engagement ring that mom's dad gave her. I was honored, and still am, but never thought much about it until last week. Mom brought the ring to me and said that she remembered Nonnie wanting me to have it. I'm not one to wear rings on any finger other than my ring finger, but I have Nonnie's ring on my pinky (it's way too small for my ring finger). It makes me sad, but happy at the same time.

Mom also told me that I'm getting Nonnie's bedroom suit, which has a budoire (sp)... the desk with the mirror that you can sit at and do make-up/pick out jewelry... I've always wanted one and now I do. Again, it makes me sad, but happy.

Grief counselling is going well. I threw in Nonnie at our last meeting, and I feel bad bc I talk a lot to begin with, but with two deceased family members, I have twice as much to say. There have been two meetings, and I haven't made it through without crying.

You know how my last post was about getting my new phone? Well, I got really upset over it that night. See, Daddy's phone had his voice on it... you know, his voicemail greeting, so every now and then, when I needed to feel his presence, I would call and listen to it... the point of mom going to Verizon that day was to take Dad's and Nonnie's names off the list... now it's just me and my mom, though she also got one for my uncle, as a birthday gift for him. So after my old phone got shut off and I got my new phone (and here I'm about to cry again), I called Dad's number to see if she had done what I thought she had done... sure enough, no Dad's voicemail (and now I'm crying)... I know we have home movies that were narrated (idiotically, I might add) by Dad, but that voicemail message was a fast way to hear my Dad's voice... now it's gone.

Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled beyond anything to have a blackberry, but dammit, what I wouldn't give to have heard that VM message one more time before it was shut off... I just wish I'd had some notice... I'm gonna stop typing about him, bc I'm crying like mad right now...




Tomorrow is Trav's cousin's baby shower. Travis won't be able to make it bc he's working, but mom is gonna go, and she's gonna get to meet his whole family! I'm so excited! I love his family, and his mom has been amazing to us! She's so sweet and has been just so supportive. I love her like crazy!!!


Ok, I'm gonna get ready for bed and begin to unwind, so that's it for now!

MOM DUPED ME!

She got me a blackberry curve! IT'S PINK!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I HAVE A BLACKBERRY CURVE! OHHHH SNAP! No wonder my phone wasn't working!

Lost

I'm so lost right now! My phone isn't working :( I guess mom forgot to pay a bill or something, but after about 1:00pm EST, I couldn't send or get texts nor make calls! My cell phone is just a random device for now *sniff sniff* I'M LOST WITHOUT MY PHONE! hahaha

I'm hoping things get to the "if worst comes to worst" scenario bc Travis said that if "worst comes to worst" he'd add a line onto his Sprint account for me... Which would give Jessica a new phone *insert giant grin here* So here's hoping lol


No, but really, I need a cell phone.... SOON!

I'm so Lucky

The group session went well. I'm very tired after talking about Dad and Nonnie and listening to others... I did cry some, which is what wore me out... the group leader said it was normal to feel tired after a session, and not to feel bad about it... So I don't haha

I'm very lucky, though... I'm lucky to have my friends who are there for me through everything. I swear, Courtney and Emmers are always lookin out for me and call to check on me and it feels so good to know someone cares :) I hope you both know how much I love ya'll and appreciate EVERYTHING you have done and continue to do for me and my mom. You make my days so much brighter and I'm forever greatful :) *hugs*

Time to clean the kitchen... then I'm gonna go to bed early tonight, that's for sure!

Grief Counselling

I begin my grief counselling(sp) tonight. I was originally going because of my Dad, but now Nonnie is gone, as well, so I'm gonna throw her in the mix. I'm still more upset about Daddy, and I feel bad about that, but it's different losing your father than your grandmother.

Oh, Nonnie's obituary ran today, here is the link:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/charlotte/obituary.aspx?n=dixie-lee-quinn-wildy-caya&pid=132731614

My cousin wrote it for us, and we are very appreciative of it (hugs to Sue!).

I don't really have much more to say, but I wish we would bury Nonnie sooner than later. I know she's being cremated, so there isn't a set time limit, but it just doesn't feel right to not lay her to rest asap. I felt that waiting 6 days after dad died to bury him was a long time, but there are talks of waiting til NOVEMBER to bury her! I DON'T WANT TO BURY MY GRANDMOTHER IN MY BIRTH MONTH! That may sound selfish, but it wouldn't feel right.

ugh... mom is too concerned about everyone's schedules... and I understand that, but this is her MOTHER, my Grandmother! WHY CAN'T WE JUST LET HER REST??? I'm getting upset now, so I'm gonna stop typing before I say something I regret.

Stuff we did today

This morning, I decided I wanted to go out for breakfast with my sweetie, so Travis and I went to a local resturaunt(sp) and then to the nursing home to get Nonnie's things. Some of the orderlies asked me how she was, and were saddened to hear she had passed. While Trav got a dolley to help roll out the bigass TV in her room, I went in and began to get her clothes together. It was a bit harder than I thought it would be. As soon as I opened the closet, I started crying. I got over it quickly, though, and we finished packing.

I went to see Glenda (my Dad's sister, who is also in the nursing home where Nonnie was) and told her about Nonnie's death. She was very unhappy about it, but she hugged me and told me it would be ok and that she would be there if I needed her. It's amazing how strong she is. For those who don't know, Glenda (74 years old) is mentally retarded, but like my Daddy, everyone who knows her LOVES her! She is going to outlive everyone because of how happy she is. Even when her brother (Dad) died, she stayed strong and even offered advice to me... I am always amazed at her insight!


People have been bringing food, again, and our fridge is overflowing, again, but it's nice to not have to cook. When Dad died, we were flooded with people, food, and love... which is a wonderful feeling, knowing how many people love us.

Travis continues to give me strength. I don't know what I would do without him and his constant love. He's amazing and I love him "to the edge of the 'verse and back".