Tough Time

I'm having a really tough time. It was this time, last year, that Daddy really began to decline.  I actually had a good day, today, but Sunday was horrible.  It was Palm Sunday, so our choir sang at both services, but I only sang in the first service.  During the sermon, which was about "'Atonement - why did Jesus die on a cross, what does this say about God, and what does this mean for us?"  As our minister spoke about Jesus' suffering, my mind was flooded with memories of my father.  See, this time, last year, dad's health began to spiral downward.  Easter was the last holiday we spent with him, and hearing our minister talk about suffering brought back too much hurt.  My Dad suffered so much (and I'm getting teary eyed typing this) and I couldn't stop thinking about it. 

I tried to push the memories out, because tears were threatening to spill, but the more I pushed, the more emotion took over.  Halfway through the sermon (which was really good), I lost it.  I have never cried while in the chancel, and I tried to keep my tears to myself, but those of you who have seen me through the last year know that I can't exactly pull off the "quiet crying"...

I was so embarrassed!  The little hiccups that tend to go along with my tears started much sooner than I had hoped.  The lady sitting next to me had a tissue and gave it to me, which I tried to use inconspicuously, but it's not easy when you're wearing a robe that involves a while top that makes you look like a big-winged bird!  I managed to get through the second song we had to sing (the Anthem was sung before the sermon), but it wasn't without difficulty.

After the service, I made a beeline for the robing room.  I did NOT want people to see me.  The choir director and associate director were directly behind me.  Adam (the director) asked me if I was ok, and when I turned around, he had his answer (I was beyond bawling at this point).  Charlotte (the assiciate director) wrapped her arms around me and let me cry into her shoulder for a minute.  I was able to compose myself enough to talk to her about why I was so upset, but she already knew.  She even cried a little bit with me.

I disrobed, put my music folder and Hymnal on the floor of my robe cabinet, got my purse and jacket, and began to go up to the atrium of our church to call Travis.  I remembered, though, that he was gonna be coming down to the choir area to bring food to me (I'm in Choir 1, and we were supposed to bring food for a brunch in between the two services).  I had given him directions on how to get downstairs by taking the elevator.  As I walked to the stairs, I heared the elevator move, so I stopped and waited to see if it was Trav.  As soon as the doors opened, I saw that curly hair and ran into his arms.  I just cried and cried.  I took the food to the little buffet that was set up, and some more choir members saw my red eyes and gave me hugs.  I just couldn't talk, though, so a lot of them don't even know why I was so upset.

Travis and I took a walk around the outside of the church.  We sat down outside of the basement and T let me recompose myself before I called my mom to tell her I wasn't going to be singing the second service, I just couldn't do it.  I was able to calm down enough to go to Sunday School, which was nice because it was the third time I have been able to stay the whole time!

When I got home, mom was waiting with a big hug and we cried together for a few minutes, while I told her about what happened.  She told me these things would happen, but that we both know Daddy wouldn't want us to be sad all the time, which is oh-so-true!

Our choir has to sing for the Good Friday service, which I'm nervous about again... I will have Dad's hanky in my folder, just in case.  I'm also nervous about the Easter services.  I'm not as scared about it as I am Good Friday, because the Easter service is a celebration of Jesus making his ascent into heaven, but as I stated earlier, Easter was the last holiday we spent with Daddy... and one month, later he was gone.

I'm very lucky to have a huge and amazing support system, especially in my church.  The choir members are wonderful!  As I said, I'm very lucky.

Ok, I've said all I can say without full on crying, so I'm going to stop now.  I will let everyone know how I handle the services...

Kicking Mozart's BOO-TAY!

So, on Monday I went to see our choir director to get a bit of extra help with some of the music pieces I was having difficulty with.  It was the first time in 8 years that I had done a one-on-one rehearsal, and I was definately nervous!  Adam was awesome, though, and made me feel comfortable.  We dove into the music, mainly the Mozart pieces that our choir is performing April 25th, and it took a few tries (plus having Adam count out the beat), but I managed to improve a good deal.  He was impressed that I asked him for help so far in advance, but the way I was looking at it, I am still re-learning how to read music, and I don't want to hold the soprano section back.  I want to be good at this, and anything I can do is worth it.  I became more comfortable as we went along, and he could tell when I knew a part of the music because of how loud I would get.  Whenever I felt nervous about a part, Adam eased my anxiety by saying, "Jessica, everybody here loves you, so don't feel bashful. Sing it out!"  As I was leaving, he told me I have a "booming voice" and I shouldn't be so worried.  I was very flattered and happy when I left.

Fast forward to this evening.  I went to choir rehearsal, ready to tackle Mozart, and I kicked his butt!  We went over a part of the music that no one else had practiced yet, and I hit almost every note and knew each beat!  I only messed up in one place, but knew what happened, and was able to correct it right away.  I still plan on meeting with Adam again, to go over some more areas that I feel need a bit more work, but by the end of rehearsal, this evening, I was on cloud 9!  I KICKED MOZART'S BOO-TAY!!!!!  :)  :)  :)

Fun Morning!

This morning, Travis and I met up with a friend of his, who is a photographer.  We spent about an hour and a half taking pictures.  This lady is fabulous! (I hope she doesn't mind me calling her a "lady!")  She took beautiful pictures and made us look good :)  It was a lot of fun, too!  Trav and I got to just be goofy, which is usually the norm ;)

Here is one of the pictures, it's one of my faves (so far):



The photographer has put a few more pictures up on her website.  They're password protected and if anyone is interested in seeing them, feel free to contact me on Facebook or via comment on blogger and I'll let you see :)


Spring is in full swing here (like the rhyming goin on?) and I'm so happy!  Travis and I were a bit nervous about how I would handle the spring season, because Daddy died in springtime last year, but we are both glad that I'm treating this year's season like I always do: extreme happiness and hope.  Spring, for me, is like the new year.  As soon as I see blossoms on trees, my attitude becomes very positive and I feel like I can do anything!

I'm a little anxious about Easter, though, because that was the last holiday we spent with my Dad.  I've also noticed that I'm putting off taking a trip to the beach house... I haven't been in about 10 months.  I went down a few weeks after Dad's death, with mom, and when she left one morning, I lost it.  I couldn't sleep that night because I was by myself and couldn't make the images of Daddy dying go away.  I was supposed to stay for a few days, but came home the very next afternoon because of how upset I had gotten.

I'm hoping that, when I do finally go back, I can take a friend or two with me, for company.  I still don't like being by myself for too long.  I discovered that last Friday when mom went to the beach and Travis was out of town (I think I made another post about it - with the thunderstorm).

All in all, I'm doing well.  I still have moments, when I'm trying to fall asleep, that Daddy and/or Willie invade my mind.  I'll see the last few moments of their lives flashing in my head, but I can conquer those by turning on a vaccum cleaner (mentally) and suck the images right out of my mind!  (Travis taught me that trick).

One more thing...  Trav and I are coming up on THREE YEARS together!  This is, officially, the longest relationship I have ever been in, and I am so happy I have him!  I really think God sent him into my life, two years before Daddy died, because He knew I was about to face some terrible things and that I would need someone to help me through them.  It's strange how death of loved ones can make a person think about circumstances leading up to the deaths.  I'm still amazed that Travis has stuck by me through THREE deaths in my household!  Three deaths within nine months of each other!  It's crazy!  Travis is my rock.  He is the one person I can turn to for anything.  I can talk to him, act a fool with him, cry to him, and he just lets me.  He can make me laugh when I don't even want to smile!  One look from him, and my legs turn into jelly.  I just love him so much!  (and the photographer was able to tell that while we had our pictures made today!)

Ok, that's all for now :)

Feelin like BLAH!

I have been hit with a cold of some kind!  I felt fine yesterday, then woke up this morning with a stuffy nose and slight cough.  I just feel icky!  Seriously, "icky" is the only word to describe it!  I hope I feel better soon... I have to babysit Monday and Tuesday afternoons, I need to be in decent health for that!!!!!  Bah!


On a happy note, we had the first thunderstorm of the spring season Friday night!  I had been feeling a little blue for part of the day (Mom had gone to the beach, Travis was out of town for work, and I got to missing Daddy and Willie), and the funny thing is that as soon as lightning flashed in the sky, my mood went from "almost crying" to "overly ecstatic"!  I'm so weird......

Travis is done with the ACC championship, so he's gonna be home for a little bit.  He's so sweet to me.  I love him like mad!!!!!

Nothing else exciting going on... so I'll just say goodbye :)

Been a while!

I know I haven't posted anything in a couple of weeks, but that's because I have either been too busy or too tired....... or lazy....

Choir is going well.  I'm having a little bit of trouble with a Mozart piece we will be singing in April, but I plan on working with our director to get the beat right.  I am feeling much MUCH better about my skills in reading sheet music.  It feels good to be getting back into the rhythm of things (pun intended).

Travis and I are continuing to take on major roles in our new Sunday School class.  I will be helping plan lessons for future classes, while Travis helps plan service projects for us to be a part of.  We love the class.  The people are amazing, and I'm so happy to have a new "home".  I was even able to stay for the whole time two weeks in a row!  Feb 21 was the Day of Service, and I also sang at the 8:30 service, so I skipped the 11:00 service, which let me take part in the discussion in the second half of Sunday School.  Feb 28 was Youth Sunday, so we didn't sing at either service.  I did attend the 11:00 service, which went well until the Youth Choir sang the "Choral Benediction", which was the song that Daddy always cried during.  That song was also sung at Daddy's funeral, because of the significance of it (I still can't believe how many people came into town JUST to sing at Dad's service!).  Mom cried during the song, and I just stood there and held her hand.

I got to have a girls night, last Monday.  Courtney and Emmers came over, and we went to get dinner and brought it home, so we could also dine with my Mom.  Court and I got into a long discussion about my uber-positive attitude and overwhelming happiness that I have achieved.  I told her that this happiness didn't come about until I got myself back into the church scene.  Court told me that she could look at me and see a difference in my face.  She told me the reason I've gotten to this point is because of God, which I agree.

I know I've mentioned this before, and I will probably say it again, in the future, but I'm going to talk about it now, as well.  I love church.  I love Sunday School.  I LOVE singing.  So, why do I feel so detached from God while I'm actually at my church?  Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, and I believe that He has helped me get through very difficult times.  I believe that He sent Travis into my life, nearly 3 years ago, because He knew I was on the edge of facing events that would impact me forever.  I pray.  I don't pray as often as I should, but I do pray.

My issue about church is that it doesn't feel personal.  We begin our services by confessing our sin before God and one another... which is done by READING a prayer on the pamplet we receive before the service.  That, to me, doesn't feel personal.  Mom told me, once, that I have to make that prayer personal... but how do I, when I can't connect with the words I'm saying out loud?  I say the Lord's Prayer, and I know what the words mean, but when I say it with 400 other people, it seems rehearsed, and again, not personal.  I have learned The Apostle's Creed, and I think that is the only thing I truely connect with in a service.  Reaffirming my faith is the only actual part of a church service that I connect with.

This past Sunday, the sermon was about the reasons we have communion.  The Minister told us of two dimensions involved in the meal of bread and wine (or in our case, grape juice!) - horizontal and vertical (the shape of the cross).  The vertical dimension is our relationship with God.  He made me feel really good when he told us that we are the only ones who understand our own PERSONAL connection with God.  No one else can experience what I experience.  No one else can force me to have any relationship with God, except me.  He made my heart smile with that simple explanation!  The horizontal dimension is our relationship with those around us.  We connect with God on Sunday mornings by coming to His house with our family (i.e., the Congregation) and celebrating our love for Him.  We come to the table for Communion, break bread and drink wine (grape juice), as a family comes together each night for dinner.

So I have my own relationship with God (vertical dimension) and share my connection to God by coming together with my church family to celebrate on Sunday morning (horizontal dimension).  It was amazing how such simple words can have such a big impact on me.  When I had Communion, this past Sunday, it meant more, to me, than it ever has before.  I turned a corner, and even though I still struggle to make the entire service personal, I now have an understanding of why I go to this Holy place each Sunday with people that I have known for years, as well as people I have only just met - we want to share in our love of God.



Work is going well!  I had my first school picture day last week.  It was hectic!  One class would finish their individual shots as another class came in... I had to get 9 classes ready for their pictures... I would say the average number of children per class was 25.  So, around 225 students.  I made sure they had their order forms and got them posed while also adjusting their hair and clothing... it was interesting, but fun!  I work again tomorrow and Wednesday.  It isn't fun getting up so early in the morning, but it actually doesn't bother me like I thought it would!  I love it!

I am still babysitting a lot, which is also fun.  I babysit for a lot of families that attend my church.  It's so nice to go to church and see a good bit of munchkins running at me for hugs!  I just love it!

I have been fighting with myself, for a while, over wanting to be a mom.  I thought that if I took on more work in child care, that the desire to be a mother would diminish some... but no, it's only making it worse!  I know how difficult it would be, I know I wouldn't get much sleep, and I know it's a huge responsibility... but I want the madness!  I want the cribs, diaper rash, crying, EVERYTHING!  I'm able to keep my desire at bay, and I know that I am NOT in a position to be a mother (Travis and I aren't even engaged yet!), but the desire is acting as another form of motivation.  I know I need to get a better job with benefits so I can help support a family (Travis doesn't think he'd be able to find a job with benefits anytime soon, and a job in childcare will be a huge help for me and him).

Travis and I do still joke about our "hypothetical" children.  We've even had a couple of "discussions" about sports I want my kids to take part in!  I told Trav that I want to let my children try as many sports as they want until they find something they enjoy.  I want to listen to my kids.  If my son or daughter is good at soccer, but doesn't enjoy playing it, I'm not going to make him or her continue playing soccer.  I brought up summer swim team, and Travis shook his head so hard, I thought it was going to revolve all the way around!  Then we had a "discussion" about it.....  who knows what will happen in the future, though.  I'm going to cross those bridges when they come!

I need to get ready for bed... gotta be up early!  I'll try to be better about posting, but no promises :-P

How did I get here?

How did I get here?  How did I get to this point?  I can honestly say that I love my life.  I love the person I am becoming.  I have a lot on my calendar over the next month... between work and church, I'm really busy... and you know what?  I LOVE THAT!  I can look at the calendar on my phone, and I only have 4 or 5 days in the month of March when I'm not doing anything AT ALL!  I certainly am enjoying my new job.  I have my first school picture day next week, when the kids come for individual shots, and I'm looking forward to it :)

I just feel so good about myself right now...  I sure do miss my Daddy, but the positivity in my life makes each day worth while.  I have said this a bunch of times, and I know I'll say it over and over, but I owe my renewed sense of happiness to choir.  Having music in me and being able to share that has turned my world upside-down, and I'm so thankful.

Travis is continuing to be another bright light in my life.  His constant and unconditional love has carried me through the most difficult situations.  I know they weren't easy for him, either, and it feels good to be able to share problems, sadness, and joy together.  We are a true team... he's my partner in crime and my best friend.  I have never felt this kind of love with anyone before.  It's a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.  I get butterflies everytime he looks at me... I hope that never stops!

He made a comment, the other day, when we were out at dinner, that pretty much confirmed we would be together for the rest of our lives and have a family of our own.  He has made a few comments, actually, over the last few days/weeks.  It is just one more thing to make me feel good.

I have a little more to say, but I'm tired, so I'm gonna go to bed.  :)

Busy Busy!

I have been a very busy girl!  Saturday, I had to work.  We went to Harrisburg and did a shoot for 14 basketball teams, ages 5-11.  It was a rather long day, I had to get up at 5:15!  I hadn't been up before the sun in YEARS!  The shoot went well.  I'm fitting in and got complimented on how well I handled the children.

Sunday, I sang at the 8:30 service and then got to stay the whole time in my Sunday School class!  It was also a day of service, and my class took part in volunteering with Loaves and Fishes.  Travis and I made it a humorus activity :)  We were there for about 2 and a half hours.  Then we had a chili dinner at church before attending a small service in the chapel to reflect on the day of service.  It made me feel really good.

Monday, I had to be at work at 9am.  My boss had some office things for me to take care of.  I had to take picture order forms and count out a number of forms to send to classrooms in different schools.  One school had 60 classes, which needed 25 order forms per class, so I had to count out 25 forms, 60 times.  (yep, 1500 forms).  I had six schools to do, and most schools had 30-36 classrooms at 25 forms each...  It was a very long day of counting and re-counting.  My head hurt by the end of the day (which was 4:30pm).

I went back, today, to finish up another school and receive a shipment of youth sport picture order forms.  I had to count out a few of those, as well, but will do the rest on Monday.

I guess I can now say I have a little bit of office experience.  I haven't had to type up anything, but I got the sorting, counting, and filing part in the bag!

I love looking at my calendar and seeing it almost filled with things I have to do.  I never thought I would like being so busy, but it seems to be growing on me... maybe it's just the fact that I don't want to get anything done around the house... I'd rather go to work than stay here and clean my room haha!

I've been keeping up with the olympics, somewhat.  I watch it every night with mom and Travis, then again when I get ready to go to sleep.  I don't know why I am enjoying it so much... maybe it's just the competition or danger involved in these sports... who knows!

I'm happy, still.  I do miss my dog, my dad, and my grandmother... but death is a part of life, and I'm chosing to keep on living mine!

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Have I mentioned I love being in my church choir???  Well... I LOVE BEING IN CHOIR!  I love everyone in the choir too!  I still don't know all the names, but it makes me feel good to be able to go into the rehearsal hall and be greeted by everyone with such warmth.  It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :)

My first day of work was so much fun!  I got there at 7:30am and learned how to set up the risers, as well as how to handle the throngs of children that would be coming and going.  I was even hazed haha!  I had to duct tape the cords onto the floor so no one would trip... my legs and back are still sore!

It was hectic.  A lot of children, ages 5-11, came in.  We were doing club photos, which involved a lot of children trying to find out where to go and what to do.  I felt comfortable almost instantly.  It was very loud, though, and that was a challange.

I work again tomorrow.  We're going to a church for teams pictures or something.  I'm looking forward to it.  I have to meet up with one of my co-bosses at 6:10am... not too thrilled with that, but I should be home around 2, which will be just in time for a nap :)

I don't have much else to say... this is one of my shorter entries!  How bout that.....?

First day on the job!

I begin my new job tomorrow!  I think we're going to be taking pictures of elementary school clubs and sports.  I have to be in Matthews at 7:30am (don't laugh, I can do that!).  I thought my first day was going to be Feb 20th, but when the schedule was sent out, I was listed on the 16th.  I'll admit I'm a wee bit nervous... first day jitters, I guess!

I am still searching for a job as a child care center, as well.  My new boss knows that this is a temporary position for me, and I do hope to be a part of it for a long time, but it won't be able to provide me the amount of money I need to live off of.  My boss is awesome, too :)  I'm very happy to have some sort of income, other than my church job, which is once a week, sometimes less if the youth group doesn't meet.

I was talking to Travis about my finances and how I would love to have two jobs: one for spending money and one for saving money.  I think that when I find a job at a childcare center, I can put the money I make with the photography company into my savings account for my future, and use the childcare center money for expenses.  In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to work at all, but this is a world in which I have to learn to make my own way.

Before Daddy died, he was like a bank for me (sadly enough).  If I needed anything, he would help me find a good deal and then he would help finance it.  Once he was gone, I realized that I can't completely rely on my parents for money.  Mom now has all of Dad's funds, but she's still learning the ropes, and she won't be around forever... it's time for me to step up and get a grip on my life.


In Sunday School, yesterday, the topic was, "What happens when you die?"  Each week, there is an introductory question that everyone answers - a way to get to know each other, as well as a way to get us focused on the day's lesson.  Yesterday's question was "Share with the group who you are, a time when someone close to you died, and how you felt or reacted."  Serious shockwaves went through me when I read that.

My answer was about losing Dad, Nonnie, and Willie.  I said that when Dad died, I didn't know what was going to happen next in my life.  I felt lost and upset, but I also had a light go on inside me.  I took a horrible experience, and instead of curling up in a ball and wasting away, I found a new motivation in me.  I began to work harder at taking control of myself and my future.  I realized that it was time for me to become independent, and that's what I'm working toward.  (Side note:  this change in me didn't happen overnight.  It has taken over 9 months for me to actually figure out why I was hit with motivation and I'm finally becoming my own person).

Travis talked about the death of his father, about 5 years ago, and how it affected him.  I'm not going to go into it, because I don't think he would appreciate it, but I will say that he took it very hard, and was lost (as I was) for a long time.  (I managed to find my way a lot sooner than he, and I attribute it to Trav, because he has played a huge part in my recovery of Dad's death).

I had to leave for choir before the discussion began, which I hated.  That's the ONLY thing I don't like about choir... I have to leave sunday school 30 mins before it is over, which means I miss a lot, but Travis always catches me up afterwards.  During his post-Sunday School and Church recap, he told me something that made me feel really good.  The guy leading the class used me as an example.  He said that I took a horrible experience and made a positive turn out of it.


I actually had a conversation on, I think, Friday with mom about my outlook on life has changed so much.  The last 10 months were hell.  Nearly 9 and a halfs months ago I lost my Daddy.  4 months, and change, later I lost my Grandmother.  Two weeks ago, I lost my dog.  The last year has not been good for my family, but I still feel like a very lucky girl.  I had over 25 years with my Dad, 20 years of Nonnie living with us, and almost 14 years with the coolest dog EVER!  I learned from my family, and even though they are gone, my heart still explodes with the love I felt and still feel for them.


I have my mom, who is an amazing person, and I love her with everything in me. I have my two cats, though I'm only close with one of them, Scamper. She has been wonderful to me, without even knowing I have Trav's dog, Sasha. I think having her here has helped the shock of Willie's death to not be as great, simply because we had a second dog here. I also have the greatest boyfriend in the world. Travis has been my rock. I know the last 10 months have been hard on him, as well, but he shows me, and my mom, love.




Whenever I have a moment of sadness, Travis is there to wrap me in his arms and let me cry it out. After I have my cry, we sit and talk about why I'm upset, and by the end of our conversation, I'm happy again. I don't know how he has managed to stay with us through it all, but I'm so glad he did. He is the light of my life, and he is my forever guy.


I can't say I'm totally over the death of my Dad.  I do get sad from time to time, and I still go to sleep fighting the images of Daddy as he died, but I have learned methods of dealing with them (thanks to a suggestion from Travis) and I can fall asleep easier...  Wow, Travis has been everything in my getting through the deaths of my family members... I don't know if I could have made it without his constant love and support...

Chocolate Fondue RULES!!!!!!!!!!!

The chocolate fondue was a success!!!  I used a double boiler pot to heat the chocolate chips.  Add water to a small or mid-sized pot, only about two or three cups, and place another small or mid sized pot on top of it, but make sure the water doesn't touch the top pot.  Heat the water up to a boil, so that a little bit of steam rises from the sides, and if you want to, reduce the heat (that's what I did).  I added one bag of Nestle milk chocolate morsels and about a half a cup of half and half creamer (I didn't have any heavy cream, which is what is suggested to be used).  Melt the chocolate morsels while stirring frequently, to avoid burning.  You will end up with a creamy chocolate dip.  Cut up and fruits or cakes you wish to dip (this can be done ahead of time).  You can remove the chocolate from heat or turn the stove down to a simmer, to keep warm.  Now you are ready to enjoy!  Dip fruits or cakes or marshmellows in the chocolate, but be careful not to burn yourself, as the mixture will be hot!

Travis kept giving me high fives while he ate the fondue, and I think he may have even fallen in love with me all over again, haha.  I know what to do and look forward to making chocolate fondue again... IT RULES!!!!!

Early Valentine's Day

Because of our work schedules, Travis and I are going to celebrate Valentine's Day this evening.  We are going to a VERY exclusive resturaunt named "The Pennington Kitchen."  I'm pretty excited, actually.  I have discovered that I love to cook for Travis.  I'm getting better at cooking, and am learning how to balance my time in the kitchen.

Mom is being sweet and is gonna eat her dinner in her room, so Trav and I can have a nice dinner alone.  I do feel so bad that Daddy isn't here with her, but then I remember that they never really celebrated V-Day, so it makes me feel a little better.

For dinner, Travis is going to grill out a london broil with his new grill kit that I got him for Valentine's Day, while I take care of a few sides and bread.  For dessert, I'm going to try something new and fix chocolate fondue.  I'll let you know how it turns out :)

We're probably going to watch the Olympics Opening Ceremonies this evening.  I'm looking forward to a quiet night with my love.

Willie is home

Travis and I went to get Willie's ashes yesterday.  The vet had him placed in a beautiful wooden box, which will be set on our mantle.  I plan on finding a charm at the funeral home to put a small portion of the ashes in, so I will be able to keep Willie with me at all times, though I'm not going to do this anytime soon.

The vet also made a paw print in plaster for us.  I will take a picture and post it later.  It's a bit odd not having my Boy here, but he's in a place where his health is perfect and Daddy's lap is always open for him to lay on :)

The vet did send us a very sweet card and a poem titled, "The Rainbow Bridge".  I will post that up later, as well.  They were so good to us, and continue to be good to us.  I am so glad I go to Independence Veterinary Clinic (shameless plug) because the staff makes it personal.  I can walk in the front door and the nurses all know who I am right away!  It makes me feel really good, especially when they inquire about my other pets!

As horrible as Feb. 1 was, the nurses and Willie's Doctor made the experience bearable and comfortable.  I guess now would be a good time to tell the story.


At around 9:30am on Monday, Feb 1, I called the vet to get an appt for Willie.  They could see us at 10:30.  I got dressed and went to clean out Trav's truck, while mom held the boy.  When it was time to leave, mom couldn't give Willie up, because she knew this would be the last time she would ever hold him.  She did finally give him to me, after I had climbed into the truck.  Travis drove me and Woo to the vet.  As soon as we walked in, the nurses all knew it wasn't Willie.  He could barely walk and had lost another 3 or 4 pounds.  We took him into the exam room, and blood was drawn.  I talked to the Doctor about the results, which were very bad.  Willie was in the middle stages of kidney failure.  She gave me options as to how we could buy Willie 'maybe' 6 more months with us, but I knew that wouldn't be good for him.  I called mom and had the Doctor explain the results and our options.  Mom and I decided the best route would be to let Willie go.

I'm going to pause here, for a minute, to explain something.  I strongly feel that, had I not been through what I went through with Dad (making the decision to let nature take its course, which resulted in his death), I would have pushed to get Willie as much treatment as possible.  However, I had to put my own wants aside and think of what was best for Daddy, and that was to not let him suffer.  The same applied to Willie.  I couldn't watch him suffer, and putting him to sleep was the most humaine (sp) option.

Back to the 'story'

After we decided to put Willie down, the Doctor and nurse led me, Trav, and Willie into their "comfort room."  It was filled with soothing colors, so flameless candles, and felt very calming, considering the circumstances.  I sat down on the floor and had a blanket draped over my legs.  The nurse put the IV catheter in Willie's leg and set him in my lap.  I just held him and told him "I love you" over and over.  The Doctor came in with two syrenges (sp), one had a sedative, and the other was an overdose of anesthesia (sp), which would stop Willie's organs.  She told me to take as much time as I wanted, but I told her to just get it over with.  She gave Willie the sedative, and he relaxed in my arms.  I continued to say "I love you" to him.  I put my hand under his chest when the Doctor began to inject the anesthesia.  She told me it could take up to 40 seconds for all organs to stop, but Willie was gone before she even finished injecting him.  Willie was just ready to go.

I sat there for about 10 minutes, after Willie died, and smelled him.  Travis was handing me tissue after tissue, and I was blowing my nose, then sniffing willie, blowing my nose, sniffing willie... you get the idea.  I wanted to remember how he smelled...

I finally gave him to the nurse, and it was so weird.  Willie's eyes were wide open, but he wasn't there.  While the nurse held him, I gave him one more kiss in our "special kissy spot" which was right between his eyes.  I used to kiss him there when he was a puppy, and I kissed him there through his whole life... it only felt right to give him one more kiss.

Once Willie was out of the room, I shut the door and buried my head in Trav's chest.  I was crying so hard... and he, once again, held me and told me we would get through this.  How on earth has Travis managed to stick around through all of this death???

Travis was quiet for the rest of the day, and I know he was hurting, as well.  It was a very difficult situation, and I would have liked to have not been there when Willie went to sleep, but I'm not the type of person to let my loved ones go through major events alone, and I'd be damned if I let Willie die alone.

If I had to do it over again, I would still stay with him.  He was my sweet Woo-Boy, and I'm going to miss him.

I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!

FINALLY!  I HAVE A JOB!  I'm going to be working for a photograpy company that does school pictures as an assistant.  Basically, my job is to get the children ready for their pictures; fixing their hair, making sure their faces are clean, and get them to "smile big."  We'll be traveling all over North and South Carolina, and it sounded a lot like Trav's schedule, as far as travel is concern.

I'm really excited about this.  It's my first "real" job, dealing with children.  My soon-to-be boss, C, told me he thinks this will be a great way for me to gain experience in a field that I am most passionate about (children, if you didn't already know).  The way he spoke gave me the impression that he understands this isn't going to be a permament thing, and that he wants to help me work toward building my career in child care.

The guy I'll be working for is the son of my Dad's close friend.  C's parents have been a huge help in getting us through the death of Daddy and Nonnie, and C's mom put me in touch with him, thinking this would be a good thing for me to do, and I'm very greatful to her for it!

I'm going to be traveling to, I think, Huntersville, NC on February 20 to observe the procedures and my first official day on the job will be Feb. 22.  It's going to involve long hours and a lot of outdoor shoots (the company also does children's sport team pictures)... can you imagine?  ME?  OUTDOORS?!?!?!  I'm going to be dealing with two things I don't care for with this job: early mornings (sometimes having to get up at 4:30am) and outdoors.  I'm a little anxious about those, but I'll survive, and I'll make money, which is what I really need!!!

Because I live at home, I'll be able to put more money aside while I work, and maybe be able to take care of my own bills after a few months.  My health insurance has sky rocketed, so I want to find a new company to be with, because Mom is paying an arm and a leg for me, and I don't want that anymore.

It has taken mean 26 years to get to this point, and I see improvements in myself everyday.  I'm getting so much closer to my goal of becoming independent, and I gotta tell you, it feels so good!




The last few days have been weird for our household.  Mom told me that, Tuesday night, she woke up in the middle of the night and saw Willie on the corner of the bed.  We both know it was because that was where he slept every night, but it doesn't make it any easier.  I keep seeing him all over the house, too.  It's going to take me a while to get used to him being gone.  I'll have his ashes in a few days, as well as some fur, and his paw print in cement.  I really miss him...  oh, but now Travis is the only man in the house!!!  *looks up innocently*

There has been a huge cloud over us, since Monday.  It's primarily sorrow.  It just isn't the same, but we're pushing forward.

Tribute to The Boy

I miss my little boy *sniff*

Goodbye Willie...

Travis and I took Willie to the vet this morning.  He had gotten so weak and just couldn't eat much, so mom agreed to let us take him in, knowing that we would probably have to put him to sleep... and that's exactly what happened.  He died in my arms, while I whispered, "I love you" to him over and over.  He was ready to go.  It didn't take long at all either.

My Woo-Boy is finally reunited with Daddy and Nonnie.  I'm just so upset right now...  Anyway, I wanted to let y'all know...

Will E. Bite Pennington
June, 1996 - Feb. 1, 2010

Random Thoughts

I don't have much to say.  I'm just sittin here, watching the snow/shush fall.  It's nice to see wintery weather :)

Mom had a nice little accident this evening, and she may not like me blogging about it, but oh well...  She was showing me how to use a slicing machine to slice potatoes, and sliced off the tip of her right middle finger.  She had the machine set at 1/4th inch thick slices, so she cut about a 1/4th inch of her finger!  It took a while to stop the bleeding, and I still don't know if it's totally clotted bc we haven't taken off the massive gauze band-aid that Travis put on her.  Needless to say, I got to finish cooking dinner.  She was trying out new recipes, too!  She said, "you'd know that as I was trying something new, this would happen!"  The funny part is that she was just about to tell me to be careful, that I could easily slice my finger, and that's when her's was cut.  Now, for the next few days, I'm going to be her servant *groan* (jk).  I don't mind taking care of my mama!

I know I won't be able to sleep much tonight.  I'll have my window shades open so I can watch the snow!  Travis and I went to Target to gather batteries and a couple of cheap flashlights.  We decided to err on the side of caution and have prepared ourselves, in case we lose power.

Trav does have to work tomorrow.  He'll be going to two towns, where the showfall is predicted to be the worst!  I'm not too thrilled about it, but I know he will be safe and will call me if anything happens or if he gets stranded.


Willie is still not doing well.  He's just pitiful.  He won't jump up on the furniature anymore, so one of us has to pick him up and put him in his desired spot.  He sleeps a lot and hardly eats anything.  I am so heartbroken right now.  I love my little boy-dog, and I don't want him to go... not yet.  I was talking to my Emmers, last night, and discovered something:  I AM SICK OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS DYING!  Seriously, when will it stop?!?!?!  First Daddy, then Nonnie, and probably Willie within the next few weeks or even days.

It hurts that I can't help him.  I want to make him feel better, but as mom reminded me - we have no control over it.  Whatever is going to happen with Willie will happen.  He'll be 14 in June, so he's lived a very long life, for his type.  I'm just not ready for him to go...  For almost 14 years it has been me, mom, dad, nonnie, and willie here in this house...  Daddy and Nonnie are gone... and if Willie goes, that will leave me and mom (the last two of the "original 5"... because we do have the two cats and, now, Sasha, as well as Travis).  Do you understand what I'm saying???  Oh well, it made sense in my head...


No luck on the job front, so far.  I have had a request from my mom's friend's son to send him my resume.  He is a part of a company that does school pictures for young children, and he really wants to talk to me about a possible job.  We'll see if it pans out.  I'm not frustrated yet, but it's beginning to wear on me.


That's about it.  I'm still loving choir.  Thursday night, I was upset about Willie, but then I went to choir rehearsal and my mood lifted!  It just feels wonderful to sing again.

I'm off to watch it snow :)

Nanny Mania!

Well, I just submitted an application with a Nanny agency!  I'm hoping like crazy I can find a job as a Nanny.  That is a big dream of mine!  I just love the thought of working with the same family everyday, watching the children grow up and reach developmental milestones! 

This does mean that I am going to have to seriously step up my quitting smoking.  I have already cut out over half the number I smoked per day, which is wonderful!  I have also begun working out more.  I got the Jenny McCarthey (sp) workout game for my Wii, which keeps track of progress and makes a graph of it, so I can actually see my progress!  My hopes are that I can get more energy to play with children without getting so tired and, of course, lose more weight.  I mean, come one, munchkins have a LOT of energy and I need to be able to keep up!!!

You know what I love?  Going to church on Sunday mornings and walk into an ambush of children I babysit for.  You haven't felt anything until you feel the happiness of children tackling you in the atrium of a church :)  I also love it when the children are excited to come to church on Sunday night, to spend a few hours with me while their parents work with the youth group.  It fills my heart up with happiness!



Last night was rough, though.  Not with babysitting, that is always fun.  Travis told me about another incident involving his house.  He doesn't want me to broadcast it, so I'm just going to leave it at that.  It just made me so angry!  I was actually suprised at how mad I got, so I left the room and came downstairs to do a jigsaw puzzle online, which did calm me down.

The weird thing, though, was that I went from being angry to crying in less than 10 minutes.  Let me explain:  Willie isn't doing well.  His health has been declining since his tooth removal back in late November.  He hardly eats, so mom has begun to give him scrambled or hard boiled eggs, which he does eat.  He doesn't jump up on the couch anymore either, mom or I have to lift him up.  His back legs are getting weaker by the day!  We have wood floors, and when Willie tries to stand up, his legs begin to slide, and he is falling a lot.  He won't even come down the stairs from the top floor to the main floor, because those steps are wood and he has had too many slide-downs, so I usually carry him down.

This is just killing me, but I am also thankful that he has had almost 14 years with us.  He has certainly lived a long life, and I'm so glad he is my dog.  Mom and I do have a sinking feeling that Willie won't be around much longer, so we are spending as much time with him as we can.

Last night, I was petting the Woo-boy, and I just lost it.  I started crying.  I don't want to lose another family member so soon after Daddy and Nonnie, but one thing I've learned from the past year is that I am resiliant.  I can go through unthinkable ordeals and come out on the other side.  "If you're going through hell, keep going!"  Well, I'm still going.  Let me tell you, it's not easy!

I have more to say, but I need to get back to applying for jobs :)