Beautiful Song

My choir is singing an amazing song on Sunday that I identify with so much! It's called "how Can I keep from singing". It brings me to tears when we sing it, and I had to share the lyrics...

My life flows on in endless song
Above earth's lamentation.
I hear the real though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
It sounds an echo in my soul,
How can I keep from singing?

What though the tempest round me roars,
I know the truth, it liveth,
What though the darkness round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes, the cloud grows thin;
I see the blue above it;
And day by day this pathway smooths,
Since first I learned to love it.
The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,
A fountain ever springing;
All things are mine since truth I've found,
How can I keep from singing? 


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When my daddy died, I was lost. I was sad, devastated, torn up, hopeless, and... Well, you get the picture. I was destroyed, unable to even think of life without my dad. Then Nonnie died, and mom went to a lady in my church choir to get a recording of her singing The Lord's Prayer to play at nonnie's funeral... The lady then got me back in choir, and music enveloped my life and heart again. My life began to change. I got happier, my positive outlook began to emerge, and the clouds over me began to thin... I can see the blue skies, and my path has never been smoother. I took a horrible occurrence (more than one) and made myself a better person... My life is an endless song, how can I keep from singing? I'll tell you... I will never stop singing... I can't keep from singing.

Figured it out!

I am trying to type this entry on my iPad, something I have avoided bc I don't like using it to type things with. The keyboard is too annoying! As soon as Travis releases my laptop, I'll make a longer post.

Anyway, the point of this post is to tell y'all that I have finally figured out what my ultimate goal is, as far as a career is concerned. Child Psychology. I want to be a child psychologist. It's going to take time, but I think I can do it, and so does everyone else. It has been suggested on more than one occasion, and lately I have really been listening. I mean, child guidance is my favorite class, this semester. I'm learning new ways to help children solve problems and to guide them through times of difficulty. I would love to be able to help children who may have troubles that their parents or teachers can't figure out. It won't be easy, and as I said, it will take a good bit of time, but I want to work toward my masters and eventually my doctorate. Who knows, I could actually become DR. JESSICA! How weird does THAT sound??? It's in the relm of possibility!

I began my Nanny job on Monday, and I had so much fun! It's humbling to know that the parents of these two amazing children trust me to take care of them during the day. There is a 2 and a half year old girl and a 3 month old boy. I was so impressed by how well the little girl, T, could speak! She's talking at a 3 year old or 4 year old level! No two or three word phrases, this girl is saying full sentences!!! It's spectacular!

As always, my main focus was making sure T felt special and got attention, which can be challenging because the baby, J, needs a great deal of attention right now, but I got T involved by having her hold J's bottle when I fed him and opening a diaper for me when it was time to change him. Their mother, C, works from home, and she walked through to the kitchen while I was having T hold J's bottle, and C smiled about it. She told me she was impressed with how I got the little girl involved, so she could get some attention. It made me feel so good!

What also made me feel good was that the mother made me feel like I was the best nanny in the world, haha. I don't know if that's true, but I felt flattered that she was so excited to have me as her nanny :) it's a fun and rewarding job, even with J spitting up on me throughout the day, it's an occupational hazard that I gladly take. I can't wait to be a mom, but until that day, I'm happy to be a nanny. Plus, I can use the money I make to help get me through school... I really want to be a child psychologist, and I think I finally have the drive I need to do it!

Happy Again!

I just felt the need to post an update, since it's been a good, long while!

Today is Daddy's birthday.  He would have been 63!  Mom and I took some flowers to put by his niche at church, this afternoon.  Mom had tears in her eyes, so I put my arm around her and we both kissed his plaque before we left.  I do miss my dad so so much.  I still can't believe he's gone, but I have to be honest here... I can say, with the utmost confidence, that I am the happiest I have EVER been!  I have finally gotten a Nanny job!!!!!  Get this, it was confirmed and secured TODAY... ON DADDY'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!  Mom and I couldn't stop laughing about the symbolism there!

I'm back in school.  I have been given an amazing opportunity to further my education and understanding of child development, and I'm doing my best to succeed!  I am in the computer system as majoring in Early Childhood Development with a specialization in Infants, Toddlers, and Two Year Olds!  I'M ON RECORD AS HAVING MY SPECIALIZATION IN AN AREA I AM MOST PASSIONATE ABOUT!!!  I spent most of the summer networking.  I made friends with parents of infants and toddlers, plus I am getting to know my church's weekday school director, which will hopefully help me in getting a job there down the line :)  She has given me the green light to conduct observations for my classes at the weekday school, which is great!  I told her I would have difficulty just observing the infants and not getting on the floor to play with them, and she told me I was more than welcome to play with them once my observing is finished... I AM SO TAKING HER UP ON THAT!!!!!  I am babysitting a good deal, and one of my observation subjects (I hate referring to her as that!) is a child I sit for on a semi-regular basis.

So here's what my main observation is about: in one of my child development classes, we have to observe a child, age 4 and under.  We fill out a developmental checklist at the beginning of the semester to see where the child is developmentally (duh, developmental checklist!).  Then, we observe the same child at the end of the semester to see how much the child has developed over the course of about 3-ish months.  I observed a 10 month old who is not yet walking.  I'm looking forward to seeing how far along she progresses!  Her mom is excited to see the changes, as well :)

As for Nannying, I will be working with a family who goes to my church.  The mom (C) has a two year old girl and a 2 month old boy (by the time I start, he will be 3 months).  I am so excited, and C is too, appearantly... her sister (L), who I also babysit for, called me today, all excited that I would be the one taking care of her niece and nephew!  L has told me, in the past, that she always feels very confident when I'm the one caring for her children.  I can't tell you all how much it means to me, knowing that parents trust me.  I do everything I can to gain their trust, as well as the childrens' trust.  It's fun when I pull up to L's house and her two older boys run out to my car with a pice of paper that says, "WELCOM JESSICA!" and three stick figures (representing the two boys and their little sister).  I have a shoebox full of pictures or other trinkets given to me by children I babysit for.  I do have a pretty decent collection of silly bandz... oh yeah, I know what the kids are into these days haha.

I babysat for a family I usually sit for after school on Mondays, this past Monday (duh).  Their mom was called into work and I was ready to help out!  The kids didn't know I would be the one getting them off the bus, and I was concerned how they might react, but my worries were shattered when the youngest girl (age 6) stepped off the bus, threw her bookbag on the ground, and ran into my arms while yelling, "JESSICAAAAA!!!!!!!!!"  The little boy (age 8) even ran over to me, yelling my name, and gave me a light hug (you know, boys have to keep some form of coolness, even in the third grade haha).  It certainly made me smile!

If you haven't guessed by now, I'm beyond happy!  I have never been this happy in my whole life!  I am still with my love, Travis.  We are going strong and he is still my rock.  When I was getting stressed over a quiz I had to take last night, he kissed me on my forehead and told me I would do just fine, and sure enough, I aced it!

Mom is having a second knee replacement a week from tomorrow.  She had her right knee replaced just over three years ago, and now her left knee is giving her a lot of trouble.  I'm slightly concerned bc she doesn't have Daddy or Nonnie to worry about, and I'm hoping she can still be motivated to recover... but then again, this is a woman who was getting herself out of bed and to the bathroom 4 days after her last replacement!  Eh, I think she'll be alright ;)   We have many amazing people rallying around us.  Trav's mom has offered to come and stay with us the weekend after mom's surgery, and mom's close friend vollunteered (sp) to spend the night with mom the night after her surgery.  It feels so good to have support.  I'm going to be stressed as it is, and the extra help will be more than appreciated!



This next section is aimed at one person.  She and I do not know each other well, bc she's in Alabama and I'm in NC, but this person recently lost someone very dear to her, and I wanted to help, if I can.

R, I know you lost someone you cared about greatly.  I want you to know that it will get better.  It won't happen tomorrow or the day after, but I can promise you that the day will come when you can think about your loved one and smile at the memories.  When I lost my Dad, I didn't think I would make it through.  I went through the motions, numb to the world around me.  It seems you may be in that same slump.  I can't say I understand exactly how you feel, I lost a father and you lost a very special family member, who was also your best friend.  Creating a web page for you loved one was a great idea!  I wish I had thought to do that for my Dad.  The next year is going to suck.  You will be faced with "firsts" - first Christmas without your loved one, first New Year, etc... You should lean on your family for love and support.  Hold those you love close and cherish each moment with them (especially your loved one's children).  You don't have to be strong for anyone, take the time to grieve, and know you will come out of this a better person.  I know we don't talk, but I want you to know that I'm here if you need to talk.  You and your family are in my prayers.  I know the pain of having a loved one pass away, but I also know that the strength of one's family and friends will see you through.



With that said, I am going to get back to work on some school stuff.  I may begin updating more, but I'm not going to set that in stone.  Until next time... KEEP SMILING!!!!!

Depression

I mentioned a while back that I was trying to come up with a good lesson to teach my Sunday School class, and then I decided to teach one called, "Where is God in all of this?"  Well, a couple of weeks ago, the night before I was scheduled to teach (I ended up not teaching, since someone else shared his experiences during a recent mission trip to Haiti), I changed it.  I borrowed a book from my church that has lessons called Faith Matters: For Young Adults.  In it was a lesson titled, "How Can a Christian Cope With Depression?" by Larry F. Beman.  As someone who has battled (and overcome) depression for 10 years, it really spoke to me.  As I read through it, I began to view the darkness of depression in a new light (pun intended), I also saw myself in almost every line......  You all know how I managed to take my father's death and flip it into something positive, and that is part of the lesson.  The author of the book describes this kind of depression as a "heaviness of the soul" or "carrying a huge weight within".  He goes on to talk about the basis of this kind of depression, that it stems from anger.  (I'm skipping a lot of the points he makes, in order to get to the point of this post). 

Beman discusses a couple of ways to deal with the anger one feels with this depression, and the first way is to find a creative outlet.  View the depression "as a time for creative possibility.  Depression can become a moment for a new creation to emerge."  He says that if we can ask, and answer, the question, "What in me is waiting to be born?" we can give birth to a new life within us.

Think about it.  In the past, a couple of the greatest creations came from depression.  According to Beman, "In the Creation story God is seen brooding over the face of the deep.  Out of this brooding comes a new world.  During the Renaissance, depression was viewed as part of the wisdom that cam with aging.  It was a time when insight ripened and bore fruit."


The last few days, I have felt this form of depression.  I haven't been my normal, happy, bubbly self.  I know the reason, and it will take time for me to resolve the issue I am facing, but the sadness I feel has driven me to tackle this lesson.  It holds a totally new meaning for me and as I work on it, I can actually feel a weight lifting off of me.  It's so weird, but amazing!  It has also shown me that I need to confront the issue that has me feeling down, and not keep it bottled up, which is definately NOT a good idea!  I'm learning so much about myself in my quest to teach my classmates how to overcome depression...  I am excited to teach them!  I was debating with myself over whether or not I should tell them about this revelation (that in battling a recent depressive spell, I discovered creativity in planning my lesson, which has lifted a weight on my soul), but I probably won't.

I know I said I wouldn't blog as much anymore, but I just really wanted to share this, and get thoughts out.  If you want anymore information on this particular subject (i.e., the lesson I'm teaching), feel free to leave a comment (I read them before I allow them to be posted) with your e-mail address, and I will send you a copy of my lesson...  I want to share hope with others, to let them know that you can get through the darkest of times, and come out of it a better, happier person.

Abscence!

I haven't been around much, lately.  I've been in and out of town, and haven't had much time to devote to blogging.  I don't know when I'll get back to it, like before, but I'm going to focus on finding a job and getting other affairs in order.

Travis and I are going strong.  We have had multiple discussions about marriage, but I doubt it will happen before 2011.  He has a few things he needs to get straight before I am legally attached to him.  I'm going to try and help as much as possible, bc I want to have his name, dammit!  haha

Mom's other knee is giving her trouble.  She has an appt with her doctor tomorrow, so we'll find out if she needs surgery soon, or not.  Keep her in your thoughts.

I have been writing in a regular journal, bc some of my thoughts and feelings are too personal to post here.  I'm sure I'll make updates now and then, but for the time being, I'm going to be putting this blog on the back burner.

Here I go... AGAIN!

I have been sick over the last few days.  The first two days, I had absolutely no desire to smoke bc of how bad my throat was.  Well, I have decided to quit smoking, as a result :)  I'm going a little crazy, but I'm using Nicorette (sp) gum to help with cravings.  Here are my quit stats as of 12:09pm

Time Smoke-Free: 3 days, 12 hours, 9 minutes and 49 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 53
Lifetime Saved: 9 hours
Money Saved: $11.25


I didn't realize how much I smoked!  This will be a good thing for me to do.

Last night, Travis went to the store with me for cold medicine, and I was in a very bad mood (irritable bc of not smoking), and I got to the point where I was saying I wanted a cigarette, I don't care how sick I was!  Travis then said something AWESOME!  He told me that he wouldn't smoke if I didn't.  So, we're both quitting!  Granted, he chews, so it isn't that much of a stretch for him to not smoke, but I'm still happy that he's going to quit while I quit.

Travis has been a lifesaver over the last few days!  I had mad stomach problems on Friday, but still had to babysit that afternoon, and to top it all off, we were locked out of the family's house!  I got the kids off the buss, but no one had a key!  I finally loaded them in my car and took them to my house.  As soon as we hit the door, I quickly introduced the kids to Travis, asked him to get the TV going for them, and dashed upstairs... tummy issues, remember?  So Trav helped me watch the kiddos that evening, and they had SO MUCH FUN!

Saturday morning, I woke up with a massive sore throat.  I had to babysit that evening, and after having a meltdown, asked Travis to come help me, which he did.  It was a wonderful evening with that family!  There's more to it, but I have to go get ready to babysit, so I'll have to post more about it later.

Oh, HAPPY FIRST DAY OF HURRICANE SEASON!!!!!

GOT IT!

As I was falling asleep, last night, my mind began to wander.  Actually, the best ideas come to people when they are in between consciouness and unconsciousness.  That is when your brain forms, I think, K-waves, which is where creativity comes from.  Children are able to pretend and express creativity because they have K brainwaves all the time.  (I know I've got something inaccurate in that, but the point is that we, as "adults" have more creativity and better ideas as we begin to fall asleep.)  In fact, a lot of writers will keep pen and paper beside their bed, so they can write down what they think of.

Um... ok... WAY off topic there...

Anyhoo, as I was falling asleep, I began to think about a possible Sunday School lesson.  My mind drifted to my dad, as usual, but then it drifted to music.  In my last big blog update, I talked about how I feel my Dad whenever I sing, and that's when it hit me... "Where is God in all of This?"  Where is He when we are at our best?  Where is He when we are at our worst?  And then, the Sermon at church was about the Holy Spirit... you can't see it, but you can feel and hear it.  It was like a huge lightbulb went off in my head!  I was so excited and proud of myself!  So, now, I'm doing a bit more reading to find material that will help me in teaching.  I'm getting so excited!!!!!

yeehaw!!!!!

Ohhh SNAP!  I have gotten addicted to Call of Duty!  It's bad, I know, but it's so much fun!  One night, Trav handed me the controller after playing for a bit, and though I was reluctant, I gave it a go.  It took a while to get used to the controls, but once I did, I WAS HOOKED!  Anyway, a few mins ago, I played my best match!  I have only had a score in the triple digets 4 times, and tonight's was the BEST!  I had 168 points!  (Only those who have played COD or know someone who plays will know how decent that is) ;)  I'm just so proud, and Travis looked like a proud Papa when he gave me multiple high 5's.

It's weird, but I do enjoy that game :)  It can be frustrating when I "lose" over and over, but when I have a game like I had tonight, oh man!  I hope I can go to sleep.....  I know, I'm a dork, but I don't care!  :)



On a completely different note, I'm teaching my first Sunday School lesson in about a month... trouble is, I have no idea what to talk about!  The theme is "Issues of Faith", and I want to discuss/address questions that I have, personally, had about my faith.  I'm not quite sure how to go about doing this, so if anybody has suggestions or books that I can look at, I'd really appreciate it!



How funny... from Call of Duty to Sunday School... two extremes... haha, oh well!

Beach Trip... one year later.

Mom, Travis, and I went to our beach house on Friday.  I was a bit nervous about it because the last time I went, Dad had just died.  I was a mess, that trip.  I was fine while Mom was there, but when she came home, leaving me by myself, I lost it.  It's been almost a year since my last trip, but I'm so glad I went.  It felt amazing to walk in our house, look at the open space of our living room, lay down in my own bed, and smell the ocean.  My room always gives me an element of comfort because I was the one who designed it!  I picked out the wall color, the colors of my bedspread and curtains, and now I have a few pictures hung :)  I did tell Travis that my dream room is one that has a mural of a storm with a tornado painted on the walls.  It would be so fun to have a room like that!  Travis actually seemed to like that idea, so when we get married and have a place of our own, he may actually do an office area for me, with the mural :)

Anyway, the beach trip was a work trip.  We had to do some yard work, which included Travis cutting some of our palm trees back, so mom and I had to bundle them up and drag them to the curb... not an easy task!  We also had to make sure the correct color towels were in each bathroom, along with soap, shampoo, conditioner, and (of course) toilet paper!  With summer around the corner, we have many family trips planned (including an almost TWO WEEK trip, involving Trav's family, our golf cart, and the 4th of July parade on the island!)  I'm way excited about that trip!  Trav's older brother will be coming with his kids (and hopefully his wife, if she doesn't have to work).  I love T's niece and nephew!  His Aunt may come along, as well.  I'm so glad we have five bedrooms, otherwise we wouldn't be able to have everyone there!  We're expecting 10 to 12 people... and sadly, I won't be able to sleep in my own room... but I'll survive :)

Travis had to fix a burst water pipe outside.  We ended up making three trips to Lowe's!  He managed to get the pipe fixed (YAY HIM!), and then he had to replace out disposal when the dishwasher wouldn't drain.  It was really funny how once Trav fixed one thing, something else was broken!  I'm just glad he's a handy man :)  I'm a very lucky girl :)

T and I are going to be having our Sunday School class down for a retreat in late August or early September.  I'm looking forward to that!  I love our class!  We have become friends and even go out together often!  We went to Trivia Night at a local bar and grill on Wednesday.  It was so much fun bc two of the questions were weather related, and out of the five of us, I was the only one who knew the answers ;) which, by the way, were correct!  We had a good time, and as I always say... I LOVE MY SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS!

Daddy's anniversery came and went with no tears :)  I ended up babysitting that day, and afterwards I went to dinner with mom and Trav to Daddy's fave resturaunt.  After dinner, I decided to go to choir rehearsal.  I stopped by Dad's grave on the way, and told him how much I loved him and missed him.  I got misty, but walked into the church before I actually got upset.  Choir was fantastic!  The director was overjoyed to see me.  He gave me a huge hug and told me I could "stomp out like a frustrated movie star" if I got upset during rehearsal, but I did just fine.  The associate director was also excited to see me.  She grabbed me into a bear hug and told me how sorry she was that dad died, but how glad she was to see me there.  It was because of her that I even rejoined the choir, and I am forever grateful.  During rehearsal, we went over a very familiar song!  The name of it is "All the Day Long", and it was a song the youth choir sang when I was a member of it!  I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN CHOIR WHO KNEW THE SONG!  I was so excited because, usually everyone in choir knows a piece, and I don't, but for the first time, I KNEW THE SONG and they didn't!  I know it sounds silly, but it was a nice feeling.

I took the sheet music home with me, and for an hour after rehearsal, Travis heard me playing the song on the ipad's piano app and singing along.  He said he loves to hear me sing, so I let loose.  He smiled at me and said he was glad I went to rehearsal, and you know what?  I'm glad I went too... I wouldn't have known about the song, and I had a feeling that Daddy led the director to that song for me.

When I sing, I feel my Dad's presence.  I feel him all around me, and it gives me peace... maybe that's why I rejoined choir... not just because the assistant director called me, but because Dad and Nonnie led mom to the ad, who then called me.  I always said I wanted to feel my Dad, I wanted to know he was still with me, but he always has been.  He's been everywhere with me, and I didn't realize it until May 6, 2010, when I could feel his arms around me while I sang with everything I had during rehearsal.  Music is my escape and my outlet.  I feel so happy when the music flows through me, and I feel my Dad, so I'm going to keep singing!!!

Mom, Trav, and I do plan on going back to the beach in the next week or so, but T has to work some, next week, and I really want to be at church this sunday, so it may be another couple of weeks before we return.

That's really all I have to say right now.  I don't know how often I'm going to update my blog, but I do want to get better with this.  It is another outlet for me, but because we have an ipad, I rarely use my laptop anymore, and it's the quickest way to post a blog...

I am getting ready to attack my room... this should be interesting... I'm scared... I hope I don't get swallowed up in all the crap in here!!!!!  heehee

Bad Blogger

I have been a bad blogger!  Nothing too exciting has been happening.  Mom and I have been reflecting about this time, last year.  On May 3rd, 2009, Daddy was put into the Heart ICU.  This was the beginning of the end for him.  I haven't cried as much, but I think my mental vaccum cleaner is broken, bc when the images of Dad's death enter my thoughts, it is a bit more difficult to get them to go away.  I turn on the vaccum cleaner, and the damn images go away for a moment, but they always come back.  It's like they're trying to get me to think about it, which makes sleep difficult.

I babysat for some kids at church on Friday, and one lady I sit for knew the significance of this week and brought me some hand-picked flowers.  One of her sons brought me a soda, which I usually have when I sit at church, but had forgotten to bring that evening.  It was touching and made me feel wonderful :)  I had felt sad most of that day, and "munchkin therapy" was exactly what I needed!  There's nothing like watching and playing with kids when I'm sad... it makes my heart smile :)

I cut most of my hair off last week.  I ended up getting 8 or 9 inches off!  (My current profile picture on facebook is of my new do)  I had it highlighted for the first time in 5 years, also!  I feel amazing, for some reason!  I got a few comments from people saying I looked grown up!  I have done a lot of growing up over the last year, and I'm glad I can reflect that in my appearance haha.

That's actually all I have to say.  I promise to do better about blogging after the anniversery is passed.  May 6th will be rough, but I'm ready for it, I hope...

WONDERFUL EVENING!

A good day turned into a WONDERFUL evening!

I did have to work today.  We had our biggest shoot of the year, and I discovered my "specialty"... Photographers prefer having me pose the younger kids (ages 6 or 7 and under) because of how patient and silly I am with them.  I was bouncing from one photographer to another, posing the little kids :)  It made me feel good when I boss said, "Jess, come over here and pose the little kids!"

One bad thing, though...  I didn't reapply sunscreen.  My forearms are burned, along with my neck and face... but I wore sunglasses today...  and yeah, I look like a reverse raccoon... it isn't pretty!  Though it's funny...

I left work early and managed to get home in time for a shower!  I got to wash the funk off!  So I felt better, minus the sunburn and massive headache I get after being in the sun for too long...  I got to church about 30 mins before call time, and I got to have some quiet time.  Then, at 7:00, we took our place in the chancel, and Mozart's "Requiem" came to life!  IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!  I was on the whole time!  The feeling I had when I nailed the beats and sang the super high notes with ease, was unlike anything I have ever experience while singing.

After the concert, Travis told me that he was so happy to see such joy on my face again.  He told me he was proud of me and my hard work.  The way he looked at me when he told me that made my heart flutter... it's crazy how he can make me react by giving me a look.  He can make my worries dissolve with a smile... I just love him so much!

I LOVE CHOIR!

Decisions

Travis downloaded an app for our ipad that was a piano.  I started messing around with it and attempted to play Fur Elise (sp), which I could play many years ago.  I couldn't seem to get the notes right, and ran upstairs to my piano to find the music.  I found it, as well as a sheet of paper that showed what the notes are on the piano, and began to try and play.  It took 30 minutes of hunting and pecking before I could play the very first score on the page!  (The first line on the sheet music).  It was wonderful to be playing again, even if it was rough, so I made a decision:  I'm going to re-teach myself to play.  I feel like I need another outlet for my emotions, and that is a great way to do it!  Heck, I even found a song I had begun to write!  I STARTED TO WRITE A SONG! haha... I got mad at myself for making it so difficult, but I don't care :)  I may even be able to finish it, once I have my "skills" back ;)

I know I have singing as an outlet, but I'm only in choir twice a week: rehearsal and worship.  I can play the piano everyday, if I so choose, and I choose to.  Plus, I found some old flash cards I used to learn about what symbols in the music means, which has really helped in my singing!  It's a win-win situation!

Speaking of choir, our Spring Concert is tomorrow night!  You all have seen me write about my issues with the Mozart piece, and tomorrow I will be able to share my hard work with others!  I'm excited, but anxious.  I'm more anxious about getting to the church by the call time at 6:15pm EST.  I have to work tomorrow in a town an hour from here, though with the rough weather we are expecting, there is a chance it will be rained out (PLEASE DO RAIN DANCES!).  If we do work, I won't be able to leave until 4:30, which translates to no time for a shower!  Travis and I made a game plan as to how I can make the transition from work to choir easier, and I'm still going to prepare, tonight, for my busy and hectic day tomorrow!

If anyone is interested in coming to the choir concert, it is at 7:00pm at Providence United Methodist Church.  I would love to have people come!  I worked VERY hard to learn the music, and I wanna show it off!  haha

Ok, that's all I have to say, here's hoping I don't have to work tomorrow!

Thoughts

I have no real title for this post, these are just some thoughts I have.

I just got off the phone with a friend of my mother's.  She goes to our church and has been talking to mom throughout the last few months, helping to ease my mom's sadness.  We were talking about my experience on Palm Sunday, my tears during the first service, and the thunderstorms that rolled through that night.  I also told her about the mini-storm that came through the day dad died, as well as the storm we had one night when I was home alone, and close to tears.  The lady told me that it sounded like the storms were Dad's way of showing his presence to me.  They were his way of wrapping his arms around me and telling me he was still with me.  I had never thought about that, though I should have put the pieces together, seeing as how the storms showed up when I was at my saddest.  I do understand that weather systems play a role, but in the past, storms have rolled to the north or south of my part of Charlotte, we rarely get decent storms through here, so when we had some good ones on the nights I was unhappy, that was Daddy, telling me he was ok and he was still with me.  It gives me a lot of comfort, especially since I kept wanting to feel him with me, but never had any experience like that, but in actuality, Daddy was showing me he was there.

I miss my daddy, but I know he's still with me, always.



Aunt Claudia got out of the hospital about a week ago.  She still has clotting in her lung, but they are slowly being dissolved.  I went to see her, last Wednesday, and spent the afternoon with her and my cousins (yes, I am referring to Trav's family as my family.  It's getting confusing to try and differentiate his and my families.).  Erin was in town with baby Aubrey (who will be 5 months on April 25th).  I got to play with Aubrey for a few hours, which was a lot of fun!

Trav's mom's foot is doing better.  She can get around easier, though she still uses one crutch for support.  Our cousin, Britt, however, jumped off of a truck bed a couple of weeks ago (something he did very often), landed wrong, and fractured his foot in 6 places.  He is having surgery, today, to repair everything.  His surgery is in a hospital in north Charlotte.  I'm hoping to be able to go see him at some point, but the next few days are going to be busy for me, and I doubt I can get there before Friday.


Mom and some friends went to our beach house, yesterday.  It sounded like they were having fun, when Travis got a text, last night, that read, "we're on our 4th bottle of wine!  YEOWZA!"  *insert giggles here*  I hope they aren't hungover today! haha

I'm still babysitting like crazy, and I LOVE IT!  Job hunt is going ok.  I'm beginning to look in other areas, besides childcare, for work.  I just really need a job!

That's all I have to say for now :)

Family Pains!

Man, I feel so bad for Trav's family!  Before I explain, I'm going to give y'all a little family tree, so the explanation will go smoother:

The majority of the family lives in a little town about an hour, south, of here, except for Trav's mom, who lives an hour to the north.  Claudia's hospital is in the town south of us.
Grandma Bessie is mother to:
Peggy, Beth, and Claudia.
Peggy is mom to Travis (my man), Toby (married to Kelley and has two kids), and Kevin (engaged to Susan)
Claudia has three kids:  Erin (married with a baby daughter, lives out of state), Britt, and Scott
Beth is wheelchair bound, and takes care of Grandma Bessie, who is also bedridden/wheelchair bound

Keep up with that, it's important!

His mom has a broken foot (though she's doing much better, and isn't in as much pain), his Aunt Claudia has been in the hospital for a few days with blood clots in her lungs (3 in the right, 2 in the left) and left knee.  Erin has been in town, staying with her mom during the day, taking care of Claudia's house at night.  She and I have been talking through it all, because Daddy was in the same situation a while back, and I know what it's like to watch a loved one deal with this.  Erin had to go home, today, so Trav and I are going to drive to the hospital that Claudia is staying, so we can spend some time with her.

Ok, quick timeline.

Peggy broke her foot a couple of weeks ago.  At the same time, Claudia had to have knee surgery to repair some tears.  Less than a week ago, Claudia began to have trouble breathing, and it was discovered she had blood clots in her lungs.  Erin drove in from two states away.  Britt has now shattered his foot, and Scott is busy with work.  I have opted to go to the southern town, after Claudia is released, for a few days, to help out and make her recovery a little easier.

That, actually, covers most of it!  I know I'm forgetting something, but I see it's 2:00am, and I have to get up early!  I'll keep y"all updated on Aunt Claudia!

Good night... or morning....

Good Weekend

It was a very good weekend!  I made it through the Good Friday service with flying colors, thanks to all of the support I had from choir members, my mom and Travis, fellow church members, my Minister, my Associate Minister, and the Children's Minister.  I didn't even have a single clue how loved I really was until Friday night.  I had hugs and words of assurance from so many people!  It made my heart smile.  I was prepared for the service too!  I had my Daddy's necklace, Nonnie's wedding band, a hanky that Mom gave me a while ago, and the earrings Travis gave me for Christmas (two hearts under an umbrella to signify the shelter of our love... corny, but super sweet and amazing!).  I was so focused on not crying, that I never cracked a tear!  I did get choked up a bit before the service began, because of the insane amount of support I had, but that was it.

Saturday night I went to Trav's brother's house for dinner with his family, Trav's mom, Trav, and my mom.  Trav's mom made dinner, which was very good!  We did an egg hunt for Trav's niece and nephew, which was a lot of fun.  I took a good bit of pictures and a couple of videos, I'll try and get them posted sometime tomorrow.

Today was wonderful, as well.  I sang at both services, and there were a lot of people I grew up with at the church who came into town for Easter.  I got to see old friends... and the look on their faces when they saw me in the choir was priceless!  I didn't think I'd get upset at the services, today, but I prepared myself anyway, just to be on the safe side.  I didn't want to be blind-sided by tears again, and I got through both services just fine!

I came home and cut Trav's hair... I'll post up before and after pics when I get them loaded... it's highly amusing, to say the least, though not nearly as bad as my first attempt......

Tomorrow is our three year anniversery!  It's crazy to think that Travis and I have been together for so long!  He has been my rock, and I am thankful, every single day, that I have him in my life.  I love you, Monkey!

More Pics!!!!!!!!!

Here are some more picture that were taken of me and Travis a couple of weeks ago. They are the photographer's faves.  This is her blog, and I gotta tell you, she did a wonderful job of making us look GOOD!  Enjoy!

http://erinlhubbs.blogspot.com/2010/04/travis-and-jess.html

Tough Time

I'm having a really tough time. It was this time, last year, that Daddy really began to decline.  I actually had a good day, today, but Sunday was horrible.  It was Palm Sunday, so our choir sang at both services, but I only sang in the first service.  During the sermon, which was about "'Atonement - why did Jesus die on a cross, what does this say about God, and what does this mean for us?"  As our minister spoke about Jesus' suffering, my mind was flooded with memories of my father.  See, this time, last year, dad's health began to spiral downward.  Easter was the last holiday we spent with him, and hearing our minister talk about suffering brought back too much hurt.  My Dad suffered so much (and I'm getting teary eyed typing this) and I couldn't stop thinking about it. 

I tried to push the memories out, because tears were threatening to spill, but the more I pushed, the more emotion took over.  Halfway through the sermon (which was really good), I lost it.  I have never cried while in the chancel, and I tried to keep my tears to myself, but those of you who have seen me through the last year know that I can't exactly pull off the "quiet crying"...

I was so embarrassed!  The little hiccups that tend to go along with my tears started much sooner than I had hoped.  The lady sitting next to me had a tissue and gave it to me, which I tried to use inconspicuously, but it's not easy when you're wearing a robe that involves a while top that makes you look like a big-winged bird!  I managed to get through the second song we had to sing (the Anthem was sung before the sermon), but it wasn't without difficulty.

After the service, I made a beeline for the robing room.  I did NOT want people to see me.  The choir director and associate director were directly behind me.  Adam (the director) asked me if I was ok, and when I turned around, he had his answer (I was beyond bawling at this point).  Charlotte (the assiciate director) wrapped her arms around me and let me cry into her shoulder for a minute.  I was able to compose myself enough to talk to her about why I was so upset, but she already knew.  She even cried a little bit with me.

I disrobed, put my music folder and Hymnal on the floor of my robe cabinet, got my purse and jacket, and began to go up to the atrium of our church to call Travis.  I remembered, though, that he was gonna be coming down to the choir area to bring food to me (I'm in Choir 1, and we were supposed to bring food for a brunch in between the two services).  I had given him directions on how to get downstairs by taking the elevator.  As I walked to the stairs, I heared the elevator move, so I stopped and waited to see if it was Trav.  As soon as the doors opened, I saw that curly hair and ran into his arms.  I just cried and cried.  I took the food to the little buffet that was set up, and some more choir members saw my red eyes and gave me hugs.  I just couldn't talk, though, so a lot of them don't even know why I was so upset.

Travis and I took a walk around the outside of the church.  We sat down outside of the basement and T let me recompose myself before I called my mom to tell her I wasn't going to be singing the second service, I just couldn't do it.  I was able to calm down enough to go to Sunday School, which was nice because it was the third time I have been able to stay the whole time!

When I got home, mom was waiting with a big hug and we cried together for a few minutes, while I told her about what happened.  She told me these things would happen, but that we both know Daddy wouldn't want us to be sad all the time, which is oh-so-true!

Our choir has to sing for the Good Friday service, which I'm nervous about again... I will have Dad's hanky in my folder, just in case.  I'm also nervous about the Easter services.  I'm not as scared about it as I am Good Friday, because the Easter service is a celebration of Jesus making his ascent into heaven, but as I stated earlier, Easter was the last holiday we spent with Daddy... and one month, later he was gone.

I'm very lucky to have a huge and amazing support system, especially in my church.  The choir members are wonderful!  As I said, I'm very lucky.

Ok, I've said all I can say without full on crying, so I'm going to stop now.  I will let everyone know how I handle the services...