This made my day!

So, after church this morning, mom went to talk to one of the music associates who sang The Lord's Prayer at Daddy's funeral. This is a lady that I have known for a long time and gave me piano lessons when I was in high school. She also called me up, a few years back, and got me to join the church choir, which I loved doing. I had to quit when I went back to school a few months later.

Anyway, mom was talking to her about getting a CD of her singing the Prayer, and while she talked to the associate, the new choir director came to say hello. Mom introduced herself and that was when the associate said the most amazing thing to mama and the director: She told them they needed to get me back in choir. The director, who has never met me, asked why, to which the associate replied, "she has a beautiful voice and belongs in this choir"!!!!! The director asked what vocal part I was (soprano) and mom told him that the way I describe my voice is I have a great choir voice, but not so much as a soloist. The associate replied, "I think she would be a fantastic soloist if she works at it."

Mom gave them both my cell phone number and told me to be prepared for a bombardment of phone calls this week! The simple fact that the associate brought up my singing and how good she thinks I am just made my whole day brighter! I would love to be in the church choir! Music makes my heart smile, but my only concern is will I be able to read sheet music again? It's been years since I've done that, and I realized, while at church one morning, I couldn't read different types of music notes, like, I couldn't get the beat correct... But I figure if I practice and work with the associate and the director, I could totally get back into the swing of things!

I just had to share this bc it made me feel so damn good!!!

A good Birthday

I had a good birthday! Only one wave of sadness over Daddy not being here, but that was when Travis and I passed the hospital on our way to The Melting Pot (no, we didn't throw up this year... we skipped the chocolate fondue, but got a card for a free one whenever we choose).

Here's a picture from right before we went to dinner:


Trav got me a beautiful bracelet and some summer sausage (which I was actually very excited about), as well as the movie "UP", which made me happy! Mama gave me some earrings and a very sweet card. My new phone that I got in September was my big gift.

I got so many Happy Birthday wishes and they all mean a lot to me. It feels good to know that there are people out there who care. Thank you all!

LOVE MY GIRLS!!!

I had so much fun with my two besties tonight! They took me to Chili's where I drank a BIGASS margarita (can you believe it??? I DRANK!). I'm feelin pretty good right now :) and no, I'm not even tipsy! Just loosened up a bit. I am also having a night cap, courtesy of Travis, which is, of course, a boat drink! (Malibu Rum and pineapple juice)

I am no longer dreading my birthday... BRING IT ON!

Left Out

I was feeling very left out today, but in the end, it's all good. Mom and Travis went shopping for most of the day. Those of you who know me know how easy it is for me to feel left out. They, appearantly, left the house at 11-ish this morning (while I was at work) and got home around 5. Mom was laughing and making jokes with Trav, which only made me feel worse, but then, mom told me it was because they needed to shop for my birthday, which made me feel a little better, and Trav said he'd explain everything on Thursday, after I've gotten my gifts. So I told myself to perk the hell up, and that was that.

I'm going out to dinner with my Emmers and Courtney tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it :) Then Thursday, Travis and I are going to the Melting Pot! I think Mom and I will be celebrating Friday night.

I'm totally milking this, like Daddy did, making comments like, "but, it's my birthday week!" teehee... yeah, we're just dumb like that.

WooHoo!!!

Gabriel Iglesias is coming to Charlotte! WOOHOO! He'll be here March 17th :) I'm working on Travis to get tickets... he did try to bluff his way out by saying, "oh, that's during the basketball tournaments" so I shot back, "he'll be in Raleigh on the 7th!"... his response, "oh, that's women's basketball tournaments"... a few seconds later... "I'll try to find tickets!"

I love my man! You know what I like most? WE'RE IDIOTS! We were just watching Gabriel's newest special on Comedy Central and a few of the jokes were relationship-related and at some points, Trav and I pointed at each other while busting a gut from laughing so hard.

Ok, so ya'll may not find this funny, but only Travis can make me laugh about racing to the bathroom... I had to pee, so at the commercial, I hopped off Nonnie's bed and so did he, and as I walked toward the bathroom, he squated in a defensive pose and I ran past him, but he pulled me back and ran. I yelled, "I HAVE TO PEE!" so he pretended to pull down his pants and said, "THE SINK WILL WORK!"........ I had to squat bc I was afraid I'd wet my pants from laughing so hard.



In other news, my birthday is Thursday. I still don't know how I feel about it. I enjoy my birthday, but at the same time I don't want it. It just doesn't feel like it's my birthday... I'm wondering how the 12th will go. Will I treat it as just another day? Or will I have a good, happy day? I know ya'll probably get sick of it, but I just miss my Daddy. It doesn't feel like these upcoming holidays are real. Mom and I want to get Christmas put up before we go to Arkansas, yet it doesn't seem right. There will be two less stockings hanging by the fireplace...

Something I'm really glad I was able to do with my parents was on our 25th family birthday. December 21st, 2008, Mom, Dad, and I listened to the tape of the day they met me. I was 5 weeks old. Daddy was always a stickler about keeping records of events, so he took a tape recorder to the adoption agency so we would have the info. I had known Mom had the tape, but we'd never listened to it... and we did that day. I had no idea it would be our last family birthday as a family, so the fact that we were able to listen to it was super special.

Don't you love how jumbled my mind is???

Random Thoughts

You know what I love? The fact that my family loves Travis, and that (as far as I know), Trav's family likes me. I hear "horror stories" about mothers who strongly dislike their son's girlfriend/wife. I hear about parents who criticise their child's SO (significant other). I see all of these problems that others have with their in-laws or family of their bf, and I keep wondering HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY???? I love Trav's mom, and I'm pretty sure she likes me, as well. Shoot, she stops by to see me (or mostly my MOM) whenever she's in our area, and I really think she and Mom are becoming friends... granted, they do have a couple of very drastic things in common. (Mrs. Phifer lost her husband about 5 yrs ago in about the same way Mom lost Daddy, plus her mother is in poor health, as Nonnie was before she died.)

I remember one day I had to work while Nonnie was in the hospital, and even though Travis wasn't at the hospital (mom stayed with Nonnie until the end), Mrs. Phifer took the time to drive over and visit with Mom. Mom told me that Mrs. P sat beside Nonnie, stroked her hair, and just spoke sweetly to her, while also giving mom encouragement.

A few weeks after Nonnie's death, mom and I were invited to Trav's cousin's baby shower (if you're reading this, HI ERIN! NOT MUCH LONGER!!!). Travis had to work that day, but I still wanted to go, and so did Mom, so Trav's younger brother and his now-fiance came and picked us up for the shower. I was a little nervous, bc this was the first time I had been to his Aunt's house and around his cousins without Travis being present. But the family greeted me and Mom and we all had fun!

At one point, however, Trav's aunt's dog began to get ill. Her breathing was shallow and she wasn't eating or drinking anything, and even though it was a dog, it still brought back memories of when Daddy passed. As T's cousins prepared to take the dog to a vet, Mrs. Phifer walked over to me, put her arm around me and asked if I was ok. I put my head on her shoulder and had a couple of tears, but that was the extent of it. The simple fact that she could see how sad it made me was very special and made me feel good inside.

I say it often, but I'll say it again... I am a VERY lucky girl. Yeah, I've had a rough go the last few months, and I would give anything to have my dad and grandmother back, but what makes me feel lucky are the people I still have with me. I'm lucky to have an amazing family (can't wait to see ya'll over Thanksgiving... though the circumstances aren't favorable) who have surrounded me and my mom with love this past year, I'm lucky to have Trav's family who also show me nothing but love and kindness, I'm lucky to be able to persue a career that I love so much, I'm especially lucky to have my friends, and I'm lucky to have the greatest man (besides my dad) as my love. Travis is still doing so much for us. He's amazing and I love him with all my heart...

Reading FOOL

I started a book the other day, Hothouse Orchid, and I have finished it already haha. I went to Barnes and Noble to search for another book bc appearantly there were two books in between Iron Orchid (which I listened to on the way back from our second trip to Arkansas over the summer) and Hothouse Orchid, but I couldn't figure out which books they were! I found the Stuart Woods section and, after reading the book summaries, found the two books I missed! So yeah, I bought them and am reading the second book now.

Yesterday was HECTIC as all hell! I had to work my normal 10-1, then I babysat from 3:45 til what was supposed to be 5:30 (I have class Wednesday nights at 6:30)... but the Dad never showed up when he was supposed to! On top of that, the ten month old started screaming at 4:30 and didn't stop until his mom finally got home at, get this, 6:20! My class was at LEAST 20 mins away from their house! I managed to stay calm while the baby was crying, but I began to panic at 6:10 bc no one had shown up. Seriously, I almost started crying from panic. I think I was in the midst of an anxiety attack when the mom finally showed up. I was shaking when I finally got into my car, and I did manage to get to class at 6:35. It was kind of funny bc I'm ALWAYS the first person there, and I was dead LAST last night. I tip-toed in, but everyone still looked at me and asked (almost at the same time), "Where have you been?" I told them what had happened, got two hugs, and went on with class. Needless to say, I was exhausted when I got home.

I love sitting for those kids (there are three of them, the older two are 10 and, I think 7, but the baby takes up more time), and I really hope yesterday's experience doesn't deter them from asking me to sit again... the last thing I need is to NOT babysit... I need the money!

Now that I think about it, I do believe I was having an axiety attack when the mom got home. I told her I had class in 10 mins and that the dad should have been there at 5:30, and she apologized a few times before telling me to get out of there. I was in sheer panic mode. I'm so paranoid about getting places on time, so once that clock hit 6:00, I began to get nervous... ugh...

Ok, I'm done bitching haha

Blah

I'm feeling "blah" today. This morning, I woke up and was in a "screw the world" mood. I know why, but that isn't something worth sharing with anybody but myself.

I gave blood this afternoon. First time in about a year. It wasn't too bad. I'm really tired now, though.

I babysit tonight, so I do plan on taking Mom's Kindle with me to continue reading. I've finished Heat Wave, but don't tell mom that bc I don't want her to know I've started another book on her Kindle haha. She is beginning to think I bought it for myself, which was NOT my intention! I can't stress that enough!!!

I am feeling better, emotionally, though I still have times when I just want to cry. I miss Daddy so much :( This sucks so bad!

All Saints Day

Today was the All Saints Day service at church. Mom, Travis, and I went. It was really difficult bc the service was all in memorium of members who have passed over the last year. We had communion and after, our minister read out the names of those who had died while a candle was lit and a bell rung. Mom and I cried for most of the service, and as the names were being read, Travis grabbed my hand and held on tight, because I had lost it at that point. I couldn't sing the Hymn of Promise bc it made me tear up, which sucked bc I really like that song.

After the service, a few of us went to the Columnbarium (sp) to say a prayer. I cried then, too. The minister walked with us to Dad's niche and was touched to hear that I come by every Sunday evening (on my way to work at the church) to visit Daddy and talk to him.

We discussed Nonnie's upcoming funeral, which will be a Military service! There will be a color guard and an American flag will cover Nonnie's ashes during the service. Mom has almost got the details ironed out, and now we are focusing on packing and preparing for the trip.

We will be out there over Thanksgiving, but will not be celebrating TGiving with our family. Instead, we will be spending it with close friends (the ones who introduced Mom and Dad).

I can't wait to be with my cousins. I'm also glad that Travis will be able to come with us. He is finally going to get to meet Nonnie's only living sister, my Aunt Gene (Auntie) and Uncle Charles. I know this is going to be tough on Auntie, but we will all be there for her.

One slight issue with our trip, however, is the rockslide on I-40 near the NC/TN boarder. We're gonna have to go the southern route, through Atlanta... (Gonna see if I can talk mom and Trav into letting me find Mike Bettes' house, haha). It does mean, however, that we won't have to drive through the mountains, which will make my life a bit easier!

Today was very difficult, but I am very very lucky to have so much love surrounding me. I can't wait to see the rest of my family, though I hate the circumstances :(


On a lighter note... MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP! NOVEMBER 12TH! I'm getting old.........

High Demand!

I love my life and I love working with kids... and I LOVE being in high demand! I'm babysitting like crazy! What I love most, though, is that I'm gaining a reputation as a savior to those in need of last-minute sitters. I will get a call in the morning to sit that night, and I'm, 99% of the time, able to say YES. It's so fun!

I got a text last night to babysit tonight, and of course I said yes. Travis will be out of town, and I have nothing scheduled, so why not? It gives me money, which is nice to have these days!

I love kids and I love babysitting... this rules!

Not a Pig Yet!

I got my H1N1 Vax today! I feel so accomplished! I got my flu shot two weeks ago, and now I have my Swine Flu shot, as well! Mom had a Doc appt on Monday, and for some reason, a nurse was supposed to call me when a shipment of H1N1 vaccines came in for me to have my shot. I don't know what brought it on. Mom told me I'm in a high risk group, so I guess it's good I got it!

Good news for mom, though... because she has lost so much weight, she was able to go off some of her medications! She no longer has to take blood pressure pills, which is awesome, as well as a few other weight-related-issue meds. I'm so proud of her!!!

I'm feeling better, emotions wise. Not so sad anymore. I guess it was just a sad spell that came and went.

That's all for now! :)

Oh, I had to share this... it made me, Trav, and Mama laugh out loud (yeah, I wrote it out)!

Sad

Warning, my thoughts are very jumbled in this post. One sentence may not have much of anything to do with the next.

I don't know why, but I have just been so sad lately. The last few days have been hard. Minus Saturday's Renaissance Festival. I miss my Daddy. I miss him more than words can ever convey. I cried Yesterday and earlier today. I don't know why this has hit me so hard, but it has. I'm debating whether or not to do another grief counselling session... "Trust the Process"... The process of grief... One step forward, two steps back... A few good days, a few bad days... Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life??? I really really hope not. Damn... Dad really is gone... and he's not coming back... I miss him so damn much :(

Fun!

Travis and I went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday. We had so much fun too! We saw Zilch the Torysteller (he switched around the first letter of different words in sentences to create funnyass stuff!) He told the stories "Jomeo and Ruliet: The Tagic Trail of Two Horing Wouses" (it's "waring houses", but it sounded like "whoring"), "Rindercella and her Stoo Tugly Epsisters", and "Lodigocks and the Bee Threars". Yeah, we're dorks :) Travis kept talking that way after we saw the first Zilch show. It was quite amusing, to say the least.

We also watched the jousting match, which Travis hated. I scolded him for not going along with the show, even if they WERE bad actors! Who cares? It's a recreation of midieval jousting... just a demonstration of how knights fought each other for glory! It's not supposed to be perfect.

We even took a VERY romatic stroll through the dungeon of torture *sigh*. Nothing says, "Romance" like hanging by your thumbs (haha). As we exited the exhibit, there was a device used on women who nagged, talked, or questioned too much. It was a metal mask-looking thing that covered their mouth... Travis just stood there are looked at it, then looked at me, then looked back at it... I said, "Don't even think about it!" It was still amusing.

One show we saw had a children's song in it. It also required audience participation. I was getting into the song (Child Development Classes will do that to a person) while Travis did a half-ass job of it. I told him, "When you work with childre, your inhibitions go right out the window!"

All in all, it was a pretty good day :)

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I can't tell you how much I miss you. Your death came too soon and it just doesn't seem fair. You weren't afraid of death, and even as you lay dying, you never thought of yourself. I'm so very glad mom and I were able to say, "I love you" and I'm happy that you could squeeze my hand a few times before you finally let go.

I think about all you did for me, Mom, and Nonnie and my heart swells with pride. The love you gave will live forever.

It doesn't feel right, crawling in bed with Mom in the morning, because our family sandwich is incomplete. We have the bun (mom), the meat (me), and the pickle (Willie), but no BUTT! We need the butt! (and since you had a saggy bottom, you were perfect for the job!)

I miss singing random songs and changing words to match the situation. I miss driving to the beach, passing that street post for "Snoopy Drive", and getting into an "argument" over which one of us is a "Snoopy" head (stupid head). I miss our trucker talk (Sweet Kitten misses Mad Dog!). I miss your voice, your words of advice, and your unwaivering selflessness.

A piece of my heart is gone.

Look after Nonnie. I'm sorry she couldn't stay here longer, I know how happy you were to finally be free of her :-P She was hit really hard when you died. I know she's happy now.

I do have comfort knowing that you aren't suffering anymore (who on earth would want to live with a lung drainer like you had to?) I could see how much it hurt and it killed me that I couldn't take away some of your pain. I read a couple of days ago that God only takes the best.

I found the poem, and it applies to you 100%:

God saw you getting tired,
The cure was not to be
He wrapped you in His loving Arms,
And whispered "Come to Me"
You suffered much in silence,
Your spirit did not bend
You faced your pain with courage,
Until the very end
You tried so hard to stay with us
Your fight was not in vain
God took you to His loving Home
And freed you from your pain
A golden heart stopped beating,
Two working hands at rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
HE ONLY TAKES THE BEST


I love you Daddy. I will forever miss you.

Jessica

Bringin in the $$$

I ran into one of my old youth group counselors on, I think it was Thursday, and gave her my number if she ever needed a sitter. I then got a call yesterday (saturday) morning from a friend of hers who needed a sitter for that night after her original one cancelled... naturally, I said YES! I was adding that job to my early morning job I had today, as well as my regular job of sitting for kids at my church tonight. So, within the span of 36 hours, I have had 3 babysitting jobs (well, I'm gonna be leaving for my church in about an hour, THEN it will have been 3 jobs!)

Here's a fun thing, though... I sat for two sets of twin girls! One set was last night, along with their younger brother, and the other set was this morning, along with their slightly older sister. Both times, I was the vitcim of a "3-kid pile up"! Last night, I had the little boy in my lap, and each girl on either side of me... when I stood up, my arms had fallen asleep... it was awesome! Then this morning, I had one twin girl in my lap, another one up under my left arm, and their older sister leaning against my right arm. Once again, it was awesome!

I can't believe how much I adore little kids! It's so much fun watching them as they discover new things. Something I've learned from my child development classes is patience. I have learned to just let the child play and discover. If a child is holding a ball and drops it, I don't run over to pick it up and hand it back to them, I just wait for them to ask me for help if they need it.

I definately think I'm going to be a wonderful mom one day. I look forward to it more and more...


I got my flu shot Thursday. I was at Walgreens getting a Rx refill and a bunch of people began filling out forms. I asked what it was for and a lady told me they were giving flu shots. Other drug stores were running out, so I figured it was a good time to get one, besides, since I work in childcare, I need to have one. It was my very first flu shot, and it felt like a mosquito bite haha. That shot had NOTHING on my Guardasil shots... holy crap, those HURT! My arm was sore on Friday, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle :)



It's weird. Ever since Dad died, my motivation to do things has gone up. It's like I feel the need to learn how to make my own way. I want to make my own money and maybe even get to where I can function on my own (I sure did use the phrase, "my own" a lot there, didn't I?)

I'm just tired of relying on others. I want to learn to rely on myself.

Love and Grief

Mama left for the beach house today. She's gonna be there for Oyster Fest, which is going on this weekend, I think. It will be good for her to have some fun. I know a few of her friends are going down (but not E. That witch has no consideration for my mother.)

My final grief counselling session is Tuesday. I don't really know how I feel about it. I do know that I still have a way to go, but my journey has definately progressed. I will miss my group, but maybe we can all meet up for dinner sometime. I do know that the fourth Wednesday of each month is an "open group" lunch at a local Olive Garden, and since Travis won't touch that place with a 6 foot pole, I may as well take advantage of it... only problem is I work during the time the group meets, but I'm gonna find a way to work extra hours on Tuesday and Thursday so I can take part of Wednesday off to be with the people who understand my situation.

I still miss my Dad. Way way too much, but I'm lucky enough to have people surrounding me who care more than I could have ever hoped for.

Last week, during our session, we got to use clay to make a 3D representation of our grief. I did a big heart (pink, of course) to symbolize the love I have felt from everyone. I told my group that all I ever knew from my father was love. Love is a huge part of who I am. It is all I really have to offer the people in my life, and like I said, it's all I ever knew when my Daddy was alive. I do want to be clear that all I know, now, is love. My mom has so much love in her to give, and she gives it to me every single day.

Anyway, the second part of the clay activity was to alter the object of another group member to show what your hope is for that person in the future of his or her grief (did that make sense?). Last night, the guy who had to alter my object turned it into something that touched me so much, it almost made me cry happy tears! He said that there is nothing else to do to my heart, but to expand it. He said that I seemed to be the only one who has a longer way to go than the others, but that with the love that is surrounding me, I have the "easier" go of it. I don't exactly remember what else he said, but that was the jist of it. It just made me very happy to hear him acknowledge that I do have a bit of a journey ahead of me, but that I would get through it because of the love I have known from my deceased loved ones, as well as the loved ones that are still present in my life.

For our final meeting, each of us have to write a letter to our loved one. I do plan on posting the letter to my Daddy once it is written. I do feel bad that I'm not as distraught about Nonnie's death, but she lived her life, her death was natural, it was just her body getting old and giving out... Daddy's was premature. Plus, he's my DAD! He helped raise me... he acted like a nutcase with me! I do miss my grandmother, and I have my reminder of her that I see every single day when I look at my left pinky (the ring that she gave me only fits my pinky), but Daddy's death hurt me so bad. I just know I have more of a journey as far as he is concerned.

I am enjoying working at my church. I have a routine, sort of. I leave my house a little early and stop to say "hi" to my Dad's niche right before I go in. It's my way of staying connected to him, I guess.

That's all I really have to say for now. I didn't realize I had so much to say!

Mama's Birthday

Mom's birthday is coming up! It's October 21. I'm not gonna tell you how old she will be (but she's a month and a half younger than my dad, so if you know his age, you know mom's haha).

In trying to figure out what to get her, I decided on one of two things. Both of the items she really wants are way expensive, so Travis is chipping in with me for her bday gift. I'm going to get the other gift for her for Christmas. I'm not going to tell you what I'm getting for her birthday, in case she reads my blog. She's gonna flip out, though!!!

Daddy is probably blowing a gasket in his niche bc of how much her gift is, but mom has had the worst possible year ever, and she deserves to get something that makes her happy, dammit!!!

I went shopping today. I went to; Bed Bath and Beyond, Old Navy, and Target. I got that Egg Boiler machine thing. Mom was wanting it, and I had a coupon (I am my father's daughter), so I got it. I'm gonna give that to her for her birthday, as well (I'm telling about it on here bc mom already knows about it). I got a few pieces of clothing at Old Navy (I had a coupon), for myself, which was nice. I was going to buy a video game at Target bc it was on sale, but I got there and couldn't remember what game it was, haha, so no video game til mom finds our Target coupon (go figure).




Tomorrow (October 11) will mark one month since Nonnie died. It doesn't really feel like it's been that long, but it has. I do miss her.

Ok, that's all for now :)