This made me feel good!

While I was out job-hunting (which turned out very well), I recieved an e-mail from a lady at my church.  It just made me smile.  Here is the e-mail:

Dear Jessica;



Just so glad to see you in chior yesterday and hope you will continue sharing your talent with PUMC Choir. Good to have you over the holidays and we hope you feel welcome and if you have any questions will feel free to ask.Happy New Year WIshes !


Sincerely,
C.B. (initials are for her privacy)
PUMC CHOIR
 
 
It isn't much, but it made me smile.  I think this lady is also a Soprano.  We sang some songs that had a few nice high notes, and for some reason, I feel like my voice is clear when I hit them.  My whole body gets into the music and the feeling is just incredible!  I said it earlier, but I really had forgotten how much I loved singing.  I'm getting better at recognizing the tempo and beats of each note.  I usually tap my foot to make sure I have the right rhythm.  Did I mention I LOVE singing soprano???  It's FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
I did tear up again when we processed in, but that came and went quickly.  I think as I continue to sing at services, the wave of emotion I feel about Daddy will subside.  I just know he's up in heaven, smiling at me for returning to another passion of mine.  I grew up singing in this church.  I LEARNED how to sing there... and I plan of singing for a long time :)

Here I go again!

Time to begin fulfilling Resolution #1!  I'm getting ready to head out to go different child care centers to get job applications!  I plan on taking a couple of hours to go to a few key places and this afternoon I will fill out the apps and send them in.  I am getting over my anxiety by practicing different scenarios with my Mama Bear, like how to handle things if a center says they aren't hiring ("can I be placed on a waiting list or substitute list?"), which is what the basis of my anxiety, for the most part.

I'm also going to pop over to Kinkos to make copies of my resume on the proper paper, in case someone wants to see it.

Thank you to those who have responded to me asking for help!  (Ashley), the advice has really eased my mind a bit.

So, like I always say when I'm about to take on a big task, "here goes everything, and here goes nothing!"

2010

Thank God 2009 is OVER!  I'm ready for a good year.

Last night was just a time for chillin.  Travis had to work, but got home about 20 mins before midnight, so I was able to kiss my sweetie at midnight!

I went over to Emily and Jan's for dinner tonight.  There were seven of us and we had pork chops, spinach (since she didn't have collards), and black eyed peas.  I've never liked black eyed peas or spinach, but I ate a good bit (since it's a New Year's Day tradition).  I felt so bad because mom ate dinner alone, and I originally had planned to stay home and eat with her, but she actually got upset when I told her I had declined the invite to Emily's, so I decided I'd go haha.

I am hoping that in the year 2010 will bring me a job!  I also plan to quit smoking as soon as I get the stress off.  I'm singing with the choir, and (as you already know) I want my voice to be at its best.  I'd also like to lose some more weight (I lost 25 pounds in 2009), which will be helped by the new workout thing I got for my Wii for Christmas.  I want to branch out more and meet/go out with more people.  I'm already doing more socializing and am becoming friends with people I knew as a child, but lost touch with until recently.

I'm going to love my life and cherish every second I have with my family, Travis, and his family.  I am a very lucky girl, and even though 2009 saw the death of my Daddy and Grandmother, I'm finding the positive in it all and will push forward with motivation and confidence (even though I'm not the most confident person in the world).  Travis is helping me boost my self-esteem, which makes me very happy.

Here's to a better year!

Submitted my first application!

I got my resume typed up a couple of days ago and got my cover letter written today!  I then submitted an application for Childcare Network to the position of a More at Four Assistant Teacher (working with 4 and 5 year olds).  I love working with the younger ones, but 4 and 5 year old are SO MUCH FUN!  Here's hoping I can get an interview.  I would love to have a good job... and being surrounded by munchkins is my dream job haha!


I'm still searching for other places of employment, just in case this one doesn't pan out.  The hardest part, for me, was figuring out what to put on my resume and then the cover letter was easier than I expected.

Here's hoping I can begin my career in Child Development!  I LOVE seeing children's faces when they experience something new for the first time (sort of redundant, yes?).  It's an amazing feeling to know I have the ability to enrich a child's life.  I'm so hoping for a job in this field!!!

Let the Hunting Begin!

As of today, I'm officially looking for a job!  Well, sort of.  I started glancing through child care centers of interest and have written down numbers and such, but my anxiety began to get me like never before, so I have now begun to make a resume.  I figured that once I have a document of my accomplishments and education, the anxiety would go away... I'm right, so far.  I've written down past experience and skills, and I can already feel my heartrate die down some.  I was just stumbling in my head, trying to figure out what I would say to potential employers, which led to my first anxiety attack in about a year.

Maybe it's just job hunting jitters, but I'm also freaking out about having to make phone calls.  I have a slight phobia of calling up strangers out of the blue (I have had fights with Travis over ordering a pizza!), which is also a source of my anxiety.  I'd much rather drive to a child care center and walk in, rather than call.  Weird, I know...

Anyway, if anybody knows how I should go about finding a job, or if you know how to make a resume (something my Daddy was wonderful at...), I would really appreciate advice.  It would calm my fears a lot!  I REALLY NEED SOME HELP HERE!

Ok, back to searching...

Christmas

Christmas Day was very long, but very fun!  We went to Trav's older brother's house for breakfast.  The people there were T's older brother, his wife (Kelly) and their two children, Kelly's parents, her brother and his wife, Trav's younger brother and his fiance, Trav's mom, and her boyfriend... along with me and mama.   It was nice to be around a big family who love and care for me, besides my own family.  After a morning watching the kids open presents, we headed off to Trav's Aunt's house where we had lunch with the rest of the family.  We left our house at 8:00am and didn't get home til after 8:00pm.  It was a long, yet entertaining day.  I only had one moment of sadness when Travis received a gift of colonge that my Dad used religiously.

There was a lot of laughter and love, which helped get me and mom through the day, which made Christmas so much more wonderful than we could have ever expected.


And now, a cute picture courtesy of icanhascheezburger.com!

Happy Birthday to my Sweetie!

Happy Birthday to my Travis!  Yep, he's a Christmas Baby!  HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAY!



I sang at the 5:00 service, Christmas Eve, and it was nice.  I got teary eyed when I walked in with the procession, bc I knew how proud Daddy would have been.  Travis says he could hear me in certain parts (I say he's full of it, but whatever).  I was a bit nervous at first, but I loved every second of it :)

We opened gifts this evening, bc we won't be home much tomorrow, and I got a good bit of loot!  My number one fave gift was my new digital camera!  I had been asking for one for over a year, and I finally got it!  I also got a MAGIC BULLET!  It's that food processor thing...  I've been asking for that for three years, and mom's joke is that she had to wait for Dad to die to get me one (bc he was so cheap) so we had a nice laugh over that.  I got Mario Party 8 for Wii, some earrings, a couple of bracelets, a necklace, a fitness program for Wii, new pieces for my Christmas Village (the BBQ set), some PJs, house shoes, a DVD, and a couple of other things that I can't remember.

It was a good Christmas, gift-wise, but it's been taxing on our emotions.  I had a meltdown after we got home from church.  I cried for about 20 minutes, before falling asleep for another 30 mins, on Nonnie's bed.  Travis came in the room and laid down beside me with his arms around me for a few mins, which made me feel better.  I'm so happy to have him.

I'm gearing up for a long, fun, Christmas Day!  We'll be with Trav's family almost all day.  Mom is happy about that bc none of them really knew Daddy, so there won't be such an air of sadness.  As she said, "it's time to make new memories."  And we certainly will make them :)

Merry Christmas to everyone and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRAVIS!

Holiday Events!

I'm so glad Trav's family lives so close! This year is our year to be with his family, and there is no shortage of events! Tonight, we're heading up to his mom's house for dinner. Trav's older brother, his wife, and their daughter will be there as well. I'm excited to see them!

Tomorrow is gonna be a relaxing day, then I sing at the 5 o' clock church service.

On Christmas (which is also Trav's birthday), we're heading to his older brother's house for a family breakfast (along with Trav's younger brother and his fiance). After breakfast, we're gonna come home and BRIEFLY regroup before heading down to his Aunt's house for a large Christmas dinner. I say "large" bc all of the cousins will be there, too.

Of course, mom is going with us. I didn't give her any choice in the matter!


I'm off to go cook for tonight. T's mom told me I HAVE to make my famous Crunchie Squares, so I'm all over it!!! :)

Family Day

On December 20, 1983... Leigh and Robert Pennington went to meet their new child, a daughter to be named Jessica, only 5 weeks old. They spent the day together, getting to know each other and experiencing what would be the first day of the rest of their lives.

On December 21, 1983... Leigh and Robert brought their babygirl home in a little red Christmas stocking. Jessica Leigh P. became the final piece of the puzzle in what was the most amazing family ever. Leigh couldn't have children. She and her husband wanted a baby more than anything in the world. This day, 26 years ago, I came to them as their baby, and made the Pennington family, well... a family.

This year, there is a strong air of sadness. This is our first family birthday without my Daddy. I've been dreading it, but for some reason, I feel ok. Last year, the three of us gathered around an old boom box of mine and listened to a recording made the day they met me. I got to hear the first time my parents held me and fed me. They loved me already, and they were so excited to start their new life with me. At the end of the tape, Mom, Dad, and I all hugged and exchanged "I love you's"... I didn't know it, that this would be the last family day we would ever have as a family...

I miss my Daddy so damn much... He was taken away from us too soon!

Willie Update

My poor baby! He has had a rough go of it over the last week. He wouldn't take his pain pill, nor his antibiotic, and he wouldn't eat anything (probably from the pain!), so mom and I took him to the vet yesterday. The Doctor gave him some fluids and an antibiotic shot that will last two weeks. We ask her if there was a liquid form of pain meds we could give Willie, and she suggested pain killer injections... so guess what I get to do twice a day? YUP, I give my little Woo-boy his pain medicine. It's not that hard, and he's really good with it. Giving him his shots prompted mom to say, again, that I should have been a nurse.

It's funny, though, bc Willie acts drunk once the medicine takes affect. At least he's eating more. We discovered that he only eats if we hand feed him... this isn't going to happen, but for a few days. Soon he'll have to eat it out of his bowl!



Mom and I have gotten more Christmas stuff done. I did a good deal of cooking on Sunday :) It's getting to be difficult for us, though. Mom is just missing Daddy a lot, and my heart is breaking for her. She told me the other day, that he should be here... he should be with us. All I could do was wrap my arms around her and tell her I love her. She and I will get through this. It certainly won't be as wonderful as it has been in the past, but Trav's family is being so good to us - we're invited to Christmas breakfast with Trav's older brother and dinner with his Aunt and cousins. My thinking is that mom needs to come with me as I spend the day with his family. She needs to feel loved, and even though she has only met my man's family once, I know they will be able to help her.


Less than a week until my dreaded days. December 20th and 21st. I'm not looking forward to those days. For the people who don't know, on December 20, 1983, my mom and dad met me for the first time. I was five weeks old. They learned about my biological background and had the chance to feed me and spend the day with me. On December 21, they brought me home. I was in a red Christmas stocking. That day, Leigh, Robert, and Jessica became a family. Every year on the 21st, we celebrated our family's birthday. I never liked to celebrate it on the 20th, bc that is Nonnie's birthday. She would have been 89 years old.

I'm asking for prayers of strength for me on December 21st. I'm not too worried about the 20th, bc that will be my first day back to singing with the choir in an actual service. It's Lessons and Carols day, which means we will sing at both services. I think my strength will come from surrounding myself with one of my loves - music.

Speaking of music, I am LOVING being a part of the choir again! There is absolutely no feeling like the one I get from hitting the high notes dead-on... it's like I'm flying above the other vocal parts, and it makes my heart swell with joy. I am getting a better hang of singing. It's a bit difficult bc I haven't been in a choir in about 4 years, so it's like I'm having to re-learn certain things about sheet music. I can't sight read like I could, so that's a bit frustrating, but the choir director can tell that I'm trying and that I'm enjoying it!

As I was leaving choir, this past Thursday, the director caught my eye and followed me... so I went over and said, "what?" To which he replied, "I'm sorry you're here when we have everyone scratching their head off!" (Christmas time is hectic for the choir). I told him I was getting back into it, and he said, "I know, I can tell by how much you move when you sing." Yeah, when I get into a piece of music, my body kind of takes on a life of its own. Part of it was me trying to keep the beat. I don't know why I'm having a harder time re-learning the beats of each measure, but I'm going to ask the director for a little bit of help, bc dammit, I LOVE SINGING!

I'm almost finished Christmas shopping! Granted, I have two less people to shop for :( But it does feel good to know I won't be rushing to get gifts the week of Christmas!

I'm off to wrap gifts and write some cards :)

Prayers Please!

A dear friend of my mom's had to have a hysterectomy (sp?) last Tuesday after Doctors found she had Stage One Endometrial Cancer, which is cancer in the lining of the uterus (since it was caught so early, we are hoping the hysterectomy will be successful at getting rid of the cancerous cells). She was able to go home on, I think, Saturday, but has had to return to the hospital bc her bodily functions haven't quite returned to normal and Docs are concerned she may have a blockage somewhere. I'm asking for prayers for my mom's friend. She's a wonderful woman who has had a difficult few months. She recently lost her mother, and not even a month later she found out about the cancer.


My Willie boy is doing better, but he isn't taking any of his pills! He won't take the pain pill, even if we crush it up and put it in his food! He certainly won't take the antibiotic, which is very much needed! I'm at a loss here! I'm going to call up the vet tomorrow morning and ask if he has any ideas as to how I can get Willie to take his meds... they are very important!

Travis isn't feeling well now, either. Poor thing has been asleep all day and I plan on giving him chicken noodle soup, as well as some vitamin C and some TheraFlu. I hate it when he gets sick, he's so pitiful! Have any of you noticed that about guys??? When they get sick, they become the biggest babies! It can be cute and sad at the same time... though I mostly laugh at Travis (he laughs at me too, so it's not one sided, in case you're wondering!)

I really really hope I don't get sick... I may get myself going on some Vitamin C to help, I just HATE getting sick!!!

(More) Things I Love

You know what I love? Random moments between me and my love. For example: we were in the kitchen, earlier today, cleaning up some, and for some reason Trav decided to begin humming some random tune. I began dancing, and when I looked over at him, he was dancing too. He proceeded to put his hands on my shoulders and we did the little head-weaving thing, you know, where you kinds dive your head one way and then you dive it the other way... it was super random, but really fun to goof around and dance with him.

I also love going to church on Sunday nights and being greeted by a group of children who tackle me as soon as I walk through the door. The fact that they are excited to see ME is an amazing feeling!!! I get that greeting whenever I go babysit, too, and like I said, it's the greatest feeling in the world!

Another thing I love is tucking the kids into bed. I usually do that with the youngest child, of three, when I sit for a particular family. She's 5 years old and is the sweetest little girl! I like to read her a bedtime story, check the closet for monsters, then tuck her in as "tightly" as possible (it gets a giggle everytime), give her a kiss on the forehead, and telling her goodnight.
That leads into the next thing I love: making every child feel special. I have been babysitting for families who have three children, lately, and one of my main "things" is making sure each child feels special. I try to give everyone the same amount of attention so they don't feel left out at all. (Let me tell you, that can be challenging at times... I often wonder how the families who have many many children manage to do it, and I don't mean it in a negative way, I actually have begun to look up to them for being able to care for and love so many children... I'm sure it's tough, but I know it's worth it in the end!)
Needless to say, making every child feel loved is ALWAYS a top priority for me!

I especially love my family anf friends. Without them, I would be in a funk like you wouldn't believe! If I didn't have my mom or Travis or Emmers and Courtney (and Kendal), I wouldn't have made it through the year! The three ladies helped me get through my father's death, and they have ALL earned a special place in my heart.

My cousins have been wonderful to me, as well. When Nonnie was sick and in Arkansas, my cousins helped us by taking care of her when we couldn't be there, and when we were able to get out, they rallied around me and my mom, showering us with a kind of love that only a family can provide.

I've said it before, and I will say it again and again... I love my life. I've had many ups and downs, but without the trials and mistakes, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I do think I'd change a few things, if I could go back, but nothing that has helped form my character... for instance, I would go through my very first love all over again... without that heartbreak, I wouldn't know what true love is about!

I have to say that everything I have ever experienced has led me to where I am, including the man I love with every ounce of my soul. He's my Monkey and my best friend!

So, let's sum it up: I love kids, my friends, my family, and my boyfriend. :)

My Woo-Boy is doing better!

Willie seems to be feeling better today. I know it will take a while for his gums to heal from the tooth extraction, but he's not moping around, so that's a plus!

He ended up staying in the den last night. I went to sleep and tried to get Willie in bed with me, but he wanted off and then proceeded to go upstairs to the den. I still feel bad for him, but at least Travis has helped me figure out a sure-fire way to get him his pain pill.

I went shopping a little bit today about got Travis one of his gifts. I still need to find him a birthday gift (since he was born on Christmas), and then I'll be golden! I'm going shopping with him on Friday MORNING to get stuff for my mom and to help him find stuff for his mom. I already got her a gift, so I can probably help him find something decent.

We've been invited to Christmas breakfast with Trav's older brother and his family. I would like to go, but it's at 8am, and he lives about 30 mins from us! Sure, his kids will be up at the butt-crack of dawn, but there are no children in my house, and we wanna sleep in! haha... we are also going to go to Trav's aunt's house for dinner, as well. Then next year, Trav and I will try to get out to my family for Christmas.

If mom decides not to go to Arkansas for the holidays, I'm dragging her butt to Trav's family's homes Christmas... there's no way she's spending it alone in our house!

My aunt Gene called today to tell mom that our whole family just LOVES Travis. (Gene is my grandmother's younger sister, and the last remaining of four). I thought it was really nice of her to tell us that. I hadn't been worried, bc I knew that if he acted the same way he acts around me, they would all love him :) It looks like our families approve of each of us, so that's good!

I got a bit more decorating done today. Travis was complaining that we have way too much, in the way of decor... I told him that since we don't have Dad or Nonnie this year, mom and I need something to occupy our time, and decorating is a good thing to do that! Then I informed him that we still have about 20 boxes to get down from the attic... WE CAN BARELY WALK THROUGH THE ENTRYWAY BC OF ALL THE CRAP WE HAVE OUT NOW! But I still need to put up my little tree and my Christmas village, so that will be a project over the next few days.

I didn't mean to write a lot, just now, but oh well, there's my update for today!

My poor baby!!!

I took Willie to the vet this morning to have his teeth cleaned. He had to be put under for the procedure, and ended up having two teeth extracted. This is the second time he had to have it done. I brought him home this evening and he is miserable!!! It was funny, at first, bc he was still under the influence of the anesthesia (sp) and morphine. He couldn't walk straight and would appear to sit down while standing, but bc we have wood floors his legs would give out... needless to say, I heard a lot of *thud* sounds from throughout our main floor (since he won't go upstairs or down). I actually started laughing while on the phone with the vet, who called to check on my baby boy, bc Wille was busting out the weird walk... The vet told me that many of his patients will act like, "they are in Margaritaville when they first get home." (his exact words!!!... LONG LIVE MARGARITAVILLE!).

I'm going to try and crush up a pain pill for him when Travis gets back from Greensboro. Willie won't eat anything, and it took him a good 20 minutes to get the guts to try and drink water... my poor baby! Anyway, the vet suggested I crush up the pill and give it to Willie in some peanut butter or cream cheese... I'm going to try to feed him some of his wet food and if he takes it, I'll mix the pill in with that, though the vet also said that some patients don't eat the first night.

So my little boy went from being really funny/drunk acting to pitiful and heartwrenching. I am hating this! The last time he had teeth pulled, I was up most of the night, while he wimpered and whined. What sucks is that I have to work tomorrow, and though Travis has agreed to stay with Willie while I sleep, I don't think I can do that. I was just sitting on the floor with my Woo-boy, comforting him while he put his head in my lap and crying, and I told him that I would stay with him tonight. I feel like I'm pawning him off on Travis... I mean, Willie is MY dog... He's MY responsibility... Yeah, he likes Trav, but he knows me better and trusts me more. I just think it would be better if I stayed up with Willie tonight... I dunno...

That's my rant for the night!

I Love This

You know what I love? Going to church and being greeted by a clan of munchkins, tackling me :) It's so much fun!!! I also like getting down on the floor and having a conversation with a 4-yr-old about her new hairbows and how she went to her Mimi and Papa's house for Thanksgiving, where she ate turkey and fried squash (Trav's niece, Mattie). I feel weird after a while, though, bc I get dragged around by the kids, when I'd rather sit and chat with the adults, but then again, knowing that I have the opportunity to be a positive influence on a child is well worth it.

Today was Susan and Kevin's surprise engagement party (Kevin is Trav's younger brother). It was pretty fun, actually. I went without mama or Travis (he was coming back from Tampa, and mom was with a friend who had to have a hysterectomy due to cancer). I thought I would be nervous, bc of not knowing anyone, but I wasn't! I got to the house, walked in, and introduced myself around. I managed to make small talk until Trav's mom arrived with Susan and Kevin, then I stayed near her for a bit.

There was a lady who brought her three month old baby, and he was ADORABLE! Yes, I held him for a while haha... he spit up, but missed my shirt by less than a cm. Trav's older brother arrived with Tristen (6 yrs) and Mattie (T's niece and nephew) and I squatted down so Mattie could see the baby, that's when I asked her about her Thanksgiving and she asked me to braid her hair after I got through eating. That little girl is so darn CUTE! (and it's fun to think that she may be my niece one day!) Tristen pretty much stayed outside to play while the party went on, but I walked out with Mattie for a bit and got to chill with Tristen for a bit too. He was so proud when he found a pumpkin that had rolled part-way down a hill and he pushed it to make it go the rest of the way haha.

Travis got home later this evening and I'm glad he's home... now he can help get the heavy boxes down! :)

Lemme be clear

I was talking to mom about my last blog entry (Decorations and Gifts) and realized something: I sound like a snob! I want to be clear that this isn't about how many gifts are under the tree. It's the fact that there won't be any gifts for Dad or Nonnie. We didn't do much of anything last year bc Dad had just begun to decline, so we just didn't do a whole lot. The fact that there weren't many last year will make it a little easier this year... does that make any sense??? It has nothing to do with material goods, just that two of our family members won't be here for Christmas.

Ok, back to decorating... it's so weird having so much free time to do these things. Mom and I are used to taking care of Dad and/or Nonnie, but now we don't have that, so we're actually getting our stuff together for Christmas! We're about to head back up to the attic for more boxes... we pulled down 6 boxes, plus a bigger trash can-type container with Holiday Lenins in it, yesterday. We unpacked most of them, and now we want to get my small tree down, as well as my Christmas village and ornaments. All in all, we have about 30 boxes of Christmas stuff... way WAY too many boxes!

We got our kitchen decorated some, and our den. Now we have the living room, dining room, entry way, stairs to the third floor, and the front porch to do.. oh, and the back porch. I also think we may put lights on part of our fence this year.

Damn... we have too many places to decorate...

Oh, we found my stocking yesterday! The one that I came to mom and dad in! I'll post up a picture as soon as I get a chance too.

Decorations and Christmas Gifts!

Mom and I just had a morning full of shopping. We went to Garden Ridge, Peppermint Forrest, KMart, and Pier 1. We got a new tree (prelit), as well as a new piece for my Christmas Village!!! It's a BBQ Resturaunt *insert giggles from my cousins* The reason I got that is bc I LOVE bar-b-que and also bc that's pretty much all we ate while I was in Arkansas :) I'm always so excited to get a new village piece, and since Mom isn't going to put out her village this year, mine gets to dominate!



We put up our tree and got the garland on it. Travis said he wanted to help us decorate it, so we're going to wait to put ornaments on until he gets home. Mom also hung two stockings - Daddy's and Nonnie's. There was a sense of sadness, knowing there would be half as many gifts under the tree this year (you know, since Nonnie and Daddy won't be here), but last year we didn't have too many, either (too busy with Dad's illnesses), so it won't be a total shock... Christmas morning will be difficult. I think I almost have Mom talked into spending it with Trav's family. He and I will probably be going to either his mom's or his aunt's, and if my uncle comes to town, he and mom will hit up our beach house, but if Chuck doesn't come, mom will be going to Trav's family's house... NO ARGUMENTS!



I'm going to see if I can get some more pics up now... here we go!



Here are three of my cousins (L to R) - Courtnie, Sheree (Court's mom), and Vin... yes, I have a cousin Vinny haha:



My Uncle Chuck and our friend, Frank:

All of my cousins!

Mama and our cousin, Lowry (sp?):


Travis doing, I dunno what!


Chuck, Sheree, and my cousin Whitnie:


Me and my hunky honey!


My little cousins, Lindsay and Cole:




That's it for now... I have 122 pics uploaded already, and that's hardly half of them! More will come when I'm not busy fighting sleep...